Ruggles, man.

One week away from break, and Tats knows what’s on your (and everyone else’s) mind: housing. Here, some friendly, good-natured, completely accurate guidance from your neighborhood bastion of excellent advice and well-comported behavior.

Dear Tats,

Housing is approaching nigh’ and I know not what to do. I’m a rising junior and people keep talking about Ruggles — what is it actually? Why does everyone want it? Should I want it?

Disgruntled About Ruggles

Dear Disgruntled,

You have many a reason to be disgruntled! Ruggles, I assure you, is not worth the hype. Sure, there are walls painted colors other than your old cinderblock white Carman walls, and there’s an actual lounge you could fit useful things in, like pianos or a Dutch oven, but you can’t even read music and realistically, are you even going to cook?

Frankly, Disgruntled, I would not even entertain the notion of Ruggles. Far better to enjoy the pleasure and sanctity of a quiet little Broadway single or even the relaxing vibes of a Woodbridge suite. Here, ten reasons Ruggles is The Literal Worst Place On The Planet.

1. Mice. There are mice everywhere. Unlike anywhere else on campus, Ruggles is a safehaven for rodents. Live here, and you might even become one.

2. Terrible location. Who wants to live on 114th, right between Broadway and Amsterdam? Like, you couldn’t just pick one avenue and commit to it? Living in Ruggles would just be a perpetual reminder of the eternal existential crisis that have been your college years.

3. So many people. Honestly, do you even like seven other people on campus? Probs not, tbh.

4. Flesh eating bacteria everywhere. That many lazy college students, and what can you expect? And you thought McBain was bad.

5. Hardwood floors. Who the hell wants wood? This is college, the era of bristly, puke-stained, oddly-miscolored carpet.

6. No windows in the entire building. The entire goddamn building. Feels like a prison. Crazy, right? You’d think they’d have thought the layout better through.

7. Mad pigeons. Due to the lack of windows, they actually just burrow into the construction of the building. Honestly, it might even fall down some time soon.

8. No elevators either. Not a single lift. Thirty floors and no elevator. On the bright side, you could have really well-defined quads by the end of the year though.

9. Literally only Muggles live here. Do you want to always have to hide your magical talents? You’d have to actually use keys and shit instead of just Alohomora-ing your way in everywhere.

10. You’ll probably contract either smallpox or the bubonic plague by the end of the year. Why? No one knows; it’s just referred to as the Ruggles curse.

There you have it! See you at housing! Have fun registering!

XOXO, Tats

Can you believe what a shithole Ruggles is?? via Shutterstock