First years bring with them alarming enthusiasm, an adorable naïveté, and healthy egos (soon to get knocked down a peg to be rebuilt over their remaining years). They also bring an interest in all things, which, when paired with a sense of scientific discovery, yields the truly remarkable: a first year with something new to teach us. One such first year just happened to appear in our weekly meeting. We are proud to introduce incoming staff writer Phoebe Newton and her discovery. 

If you’re a student at Columbia, chances are you have a special love for the fine cuisine served in Ferris Dining Hall. Long (and arguably exasperating) lines often form from a mass influx of students climbing the stairs during prime meal hours. This seems fitting. In our consumer-based heteronormative society, love is, after all, typically represented by grand gestures and other such quantitative measure; therefore, these long lines can hardly be considered surprising. It is under this premise that I decided to do a few calculations to see how many people can fit on the steps leading up to Ferris.

Yes, this salute to our beloved dining hall is to demonstrate the student body’s undying love for cafeteria food (as well as my own personal attempt to perhaps convince the Registrar that this should count towards my quantitative reasoning requirement). Equipped with my questionable set of reasoning skills, I set out to turn my plan into a reality.

I began by recruiting a group of friends to employ in the name of science. Having assembled my hoard in Lerner, our first task was determining which standing position takes up the least space (and so allows for the maximum number of stair dwellers). Specifically, we investigated whether standing with your feet parallel to the steps or with standing with your feet perpendicular to the steps required minimum space.

After performing an awkward shuffle straight out of a school dance, we determined that standing with our feet perpendicular to the steps allowed for seven people per step versus six people per step.

To calculate the total number of people that can fit on all of the steps leading to the entrance of Ferris, I employed advanced mathematics by multiplying the maximum seven people per step by the 23 steps in total for an outcome of 161 people.

Science complete, the hoard dispersed.

Next time you see an outrageous line, remember that it could be worse, there could be 161 people jammed on the steps standing between you from your favorite food on campus. And if you do get stuck in a jam, at least you will all be feeling the love—literally.

Meme via the internet, or more specifically, WeKnowMemes.