Imagine, in the middle of the night, a dorm swallowing up all of its inhabitants. It contorts itself, building beams straining for some greater purpose, brick and glass heaving and disintegrating, leaving behind…a 2016 presidential candidate. Which dorm is which candidate? What hall’s bones are infused with the gusto and idiocy of a dastardly Trump, or the cool hawkishness of a Hillary Clinton?

The Clinton Cathedral

Hillary Clinton

• Housing: Cathedral Gardens
• Why: She’s trying to be the coolest dorm on campus. She’s definitely the fanciest, but she’s a little too far away from her target demographic. She’s also afraid to go out at night.
• Other options: Theta brownstone or EC high-rise

Ben Carson

• Housing: Harmony
• Why: Quiet, removed, is it even a real housing option? This should be self-explanatory.

Classing up the bathrooms at the real Trump Tower

Donald J. Drumpf

• Housing: EC Townhouse
• Why: It’s just a big, aggressive, towering ugly thing with a surprisingly high number of supporters.
• Other options: Beta House

Ted Cruz

• Housing: Pike
• Why: You know shady stuff has happened there.

Rand Paul (is he still a thing)

• Housing: University Apartment Housing
• Why: “We don’t need your damn RULES and RESTRICTIONS. A man or woman should be free from the codified tyranny of dormitory life.”

The sky’s the limit

Bernie Sanders

• Housing: Hogan
• Why: He’s the alternative candidate, and a pretty sweet deal.

Renovations via Bwog Staff and Wikimedia Commons (1, 2, 3)