Columbia students are surprisingly loyal to their halal carts. Whether there was a cart right next to your freshman dorm, or you thought the halal guy was very attractive, you may have developed a preference. But does the food stand up to the fandom? 2Girls (Timmy Wu and Ross Chapman… don’t ask) bravely subjected themselves to four $4 lamb gyros to taste the difference between Columbia’s favorite drunk food.

115th and Broadway, Hooda Halal Food

A mildly toasted pita, crisp on the outside (yet not entirely dry), a good balance of moisture and texture, rich but not heavy… Which aspects of this gastronomique euphoria could you wish for at 4 a.m. on the corners of the streets in MoHi? All, apparently! You bite into it. The rich, white sauce promptly takes over, enveloping your tongue. A sudden kick of spice penetrates, pleasantly surprising you. Then, the carrots add a fresh crunch, giving this bundle of grace more nuance to the mushiness of the meat. 1girl concerns: “After a night of debauchery, how are we, lowly beings, to deserve this grace when we are going to vomit afterwards anyway?

2Girls Rating: 4 realz out of 5

116th and Amsterdam (NE Corner), Salma’s Halal Food

According to classical economics, two halal carts right across the street from each other will create competition, forcing them to develop superior products or lower prices in order to survive. The cart in front of the law school entrance disproves that. The gyro served here was in a thin, dry pita with barely any non-lettuce vegetables. 1Girl described the meat as “kinda fatty,” which didn’t go well with its mild seasoning or the residual grease that seemed to stick with it from the grill. As compared to the other gyros we tried, it was not necessarily smaller but lighter, which is certainly a plus if you’re trying to scarf something down on your way back from EC. However, this gyro didn’t really have the best anything out of the places we tried.

2Girls Rating: 2 very tiny bits of green pepper out of 5

116th and Amsterdam (NW Corner)

If you were biting into this gyro on the street, the first thing you’d notice would be the pita bread. It was buttery, and managed to pick up good flavor from the gyro’s contents. It was at least as thick as any other pita we tried, and chewy (“kind of like a mochi”), but maybe a bit too chewy for 1girl. The other thing that set this gyro apart was its meat, which was softer and juicier than any of the other options available. However, it wasn’t quite as well seasoned as Hooda Halal Food’s lamb. This gyro also went the carrot route, at they, along with the rest of the vegetables, tasted a bit grilled, creating a more uniform temperature, as opposed to the usual experience of cold veggie and warm meat. This gyro didn’t have a particularly adventurous flavor profile, but all of its ingredients are sure to keep you satisfied.

2Girls Rating: 4 thicc pitas out of 5

116th and Broadway

“Swan-egg yellow!” 1girl exclaimed as the aluminum foil unfolded, revealing the shimmering grease that sticked to the wall of the pita. To the 2girls’ astonishment, this particular lamb gyro manifested itself as a mimicry, a satire even, parodying the current political landscape of this nation. With an indiscrete, curried lump fashioned as the centerpiece, it is not difficult to remember (“painfully!” you loudly think! You are not that drunk, not yet.) that the nation is now controlled by a homogenous bunch of fake-tanned millionaires. Living up to its ghostly resemblance, its rich, herby, curry flavor and hint of bay leaves explode in your mouth out of your prediction. You feel lost, slightly violated, not being able to pin down whether such an experience was enjoyable or abominable. This isn’t what you signed up for. This wasn’t in the contract! But then it strikes you: when you ask the master of your gyro to add “half and half,” you never asked whether or not he know what your “half and half” meant.

2Girls Rating: This is not fair! 3 gyros precede me out of 5

By the end of 2Girls’ taste test, 2Girls finally realized 4 gyros might be one too many. During the limited phase between consciousness and gyro coma, 1girl said:  “While gyros are not created equal, all of them are best eaten when one is drunk.”