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Chicken Strips Are The Solution To Stress Culture

Warm, tender, delicious, and necessary for survival

I will never forget how hard my first day of college was. I was lost. Afraid. Alone. I knew no one. I had no friends. In the middle of my first lecture, the hole of being alone and loneliness started to eat me alive. Literally. I felt like there was a hole inside of me. Eating me. Alive. It sucked. I wanted to go home, but I knew that I couldn’t. So instead, I decided I would go to the bathroom. I squished past the people next to me in the cramped Hamilton lecture hall and marched to the restroom. Despite the oasis of natural light and full length mirrors, I still felt incredibly terrified and stressed out. I knew there was only one thing that would calm me down. I reached in my pocket and pulled out a chicken strip.

Immediately, all of my nerves evaporated. I felt as if every single drop of loneliness had been absorbed by a paper towel of crispy skin, juicy white meat, and the delicious flavor of chicken. I reentered the classroom with a newfound sense of confidence and positivity, a spirit I think everyone at Columbia should be able to experience. I walked out of Hamilton that day wondering, “why doesn’t Columbia provide students with chicken strips in every bathroom?” To this day, that question still puzzles me.

The students at this school experience more stress than any other university. According to this survey, Columbia students say the word “stressed” more than “privilege,” “I disagree,” and “lettuce” combined. In fact, 100% of the students at this school go to this school, which means that we’re all pretty stressed out. Columbia needs to do something about it! I think a good place to start would be putting chicken strips in every single bathroom on campus. That way, no one has to experience being stressed out ever again.

This author is actually not even a person but instead a literal chicken tender. She enjoys being crispy, juicy, and smelling like chicken. To contact this piece or to submit your own, please place it in a glass bottle and hit her over the head with it.

Chicken strips via Pixabay

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