Once, a Facebook group that Lauren Beltrone started while taking a shit went viral. Now, she’s sharing her wisdom – on taking advantage of resources, great bathrooms, and more.
Name, School, Major, Hometown: Lauren Beltrone, Barnard, Cognitive Science, Lake Oswego, Oregon
Claim to fame: Creating the fb group “columbia buy sell memes,” being That Cute Boy Chris Beltrone’s sister, walking an incredibly floofy chow chow named Lila, haunting Ferris. Also a graveyard of creative ideas like I’m Too Skinny And Too Many Boys Like Me, Truck Improv, and Drama @ CU.
Where are you going? South Williamsburg bc I am yuppie monster
What are 3 things you learned at Columbia and would like to share with the Class of 2021?
1) Make Barnard Your Daddy — Barnard wants to please you but sometimes it doesn’t know how. That’s why you gotta tell it what you want. I scammed my way into getting a special major (aka I never had to take a class I didn’t want to), free housing 2 summers in a row (SRI is lit), access to professional film equipment (shouts out IMATS), lots of one-on-one hw help (tysm peer tutors), and a $800 check for a fall internship (grants are real). You can do all these scams too! Just know about your resources and don’t be afraid of paperwork.
2) Diversify your learning strat — School is everyone’s ball and chain. How can I live like a Real New Yorker when I have to produce 399 pages of work on the daily??? There’s no easy answer to this! But for me, asking for help was a huge breakthrough. Teamwork rly does make the dream work, and this school is a lot less horrible once you start doing work in groups. Ask smart people to explain hard things. Book a study room and invite all your crushes. Collabing (not cheatingTM) is great because it forces you to do time management, instead of feeling dumb, sad, and alone.
3) Outsource your sex life — You deserve to bang people who are stoked to be banging you. If Columbia makes you feel unfuckable, you are not alone and that’s effed up because you’re 10,000% fuckable :~) Get good at the 123 train and gtfo of Morningside Heights. There are other people in NY who wanna bang you—don’t forget it.
BONUS — the best bathroom to literally move into is the Diana 5th floor gender-inclusive. There are 2 sinks, 2 mirrors, and a lot of floor space!
“Back in my day…” I cannot remember a time before sweetgreen.
Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: A Facebook group I made when I was taking a shit went viral.
What was your favorite class at Columbia? Computational Approaches to Human Vision with Prof Norma Graham, Perception Seminar with Prof Robert Remez, and 8am Italian with Felice Italo Beneduce.
Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Hate this q, but I’m already 80/20 vegan so cheese.
One thing to do before graduating Make your sadness into something easily shareable and consumable (memes).
Any regrets? Not selling the meme group to Martin Shkreli :/
Photo via Lauren Beltrone