What this writer hopes not to look like in Cell Bio tomorrow morning

It’s 8:38 on Monday morning. You roll into your 8:40 lecture, slump into a seat, and lean over your desk, a weight stronger than gravity pulling your eyelids down. It’s too early for this. It’s too early for anything. But you’re gonna be tested on this material in in a few short weeks, so you need to at least take some notes. How do you fight the urge to nap through class? Senior staffer Betsy Ladyzhets has some suggestions.

• Make coffee the night before: This is a simple but elegant fix. Make your coffee before you go to bed, stick it in the fridge overnight, then chug it right before you head out the door the next morning. If you’re a first-year without a coffeemaker, do this with a cup of coffee taken from the dining hall. For an extra boost, add something special to the coffee.
• Bring snacks: It’s pretty much impossible to finish a full breakfast before an 8:40, so bring your breakfast with you! Whether your sustenance of choice is granola bars, bagels, or oranges, taking a couple bites every few minutes will keep you motivated. (If you are bringing oranges, though, make sure you have some paper towels.)
• Psychoanalyze your professor’s clothing choices, body language, etc.: Why is he wearing an orange Hawaiian shirt? Does the placement of her hands on her hips mean that this is going to be on the midterm? Are clues to his marital status hidden in his chalk handwriting? Professors are full of clues, and it could take you a full hour and fifteen minutes to decode them.
• Challenge yourself to take the best possible notes: Maybe it’s not necessary to meticulously recreate every single diagram on the powerpoint or every word that comes out of your professor’s mouth, but trying your best to do so will help give you incentive to keep from dozing off.

• Keep a bag of ice in your backpack: Every five minutes, reach your hand in and let that frozen water shock you into wakefulness. As class progresses, the ice will become more and more melted (and thus more bearable) – a nice reward for making it as far as you have.
• Pick a random person in the room and create an elaborate fantasy around them: Look around the lecture hall, and pick a face that seems appealing to you. Imagine asking them out. Going to a nice dinner. Strolling through Central Park. Quitting school together and moving out to some farm upstate with a full apple orchard and a plethora of dogs. Isn’t that so much better than sitting in some dull lecture? (Be careful with this one, though – if the person you’re imagining catches you staring, you’ll have a lot of explaining to do.)
• Stare out the window: This is a daydreaming option less dangerous than fantasizing about your classmates, but it could be physically challenging if you’re not sitting near a window. Still, you can at least see some clouds, right? If those clouds were an impressionist painting you came across in the Met with some friends you’re really trying to impress, what would you say about the artists’ technique?
• Sharpen a pencil, and stand it up right beneath your chin: This way, if you start to nod off, you’ll get a rude awakening (in the form of lead inserted into your face) before you can droop too far. It also serves as an extra pencil in case the writing utensil you’re using fails you.
• Drink a lot of water: If you’re out of coffee and snacks, and didn’t think to bring a pencil or any other physical impediments to your potential slumber, just get incredibly hydrated. This tactic gives you something to do with your hands (moving your water bottle from your desk, to the floor next to you, to your bag, back to your desk), and gives you an excuse to leave class for a few minutes in the middle, because you’ll either need to a. refill your water bottle, b. piss, or c. both.
• Give up and take a nap: You tried your best, you really did, but it wasn’t quite enough to prevent yourself from dozing off. So lean into it, for a few minutes – after you wake up, you’ll be alert enough to pay attention for the rest of class. You can always get the notes on what you missed from a friend later.

Your managing editor and sleepy friend via publicdomainpictures.net