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Things That Beto O’Rourke Definitely Did During His Time At Columbia

Robert “Beto” O’Rourke, a U.S. Representative from El Paso who is currently challenging Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) in his quest for a second term, is an insurgent firebrand with an incredibly bright political future… and a pretty interesting past. Though many people around these parts aren’t aware of it, Beto—or Rob, as he was known during his youth—is a Class of 1995 graduate of Columbia College.

Are you really going to look into those eyes and try to tell me that Rob *wasn’t* a typical CC f*ckboy?

When he was a college student, he studied English literature, had hair that was nearly down to his shoulders, was captain of the heavyweight rowing team, and played bass in a punk band called Foss. It seems highly likely that “Rob,” who has been campaigning as both a pro-choice, pro-LGBT+, pro-racial justice progressive and a skateboarding, air-drumming cool kid, was something of a woke dudebro (you know the type: the guy with a Hillary sticker on his laptop who unapologetically uses the word “bitch” ten times during an average conversation) back when he was a resident of Morningside Heights.

So besides rowing and playing bass guitar, what else was Rob O’Rourke up to during his glory days here at Columbia University? We here at Bwog came up with a short list of things that Beto definitely did during his time here:

  • Made like ten pointed and insightful comments about topical political issues during every CC class, but cut a female student off every single time he went to do so
  • Lived in Carman during his freshman year and shot his shot with every girl on his floor by the beginning of October
  • Went to 1020 like twice a week (including at least once during the actual week) and only drank Stella Artois
  • Performed at Beta Jam as a member of a ragtag post-hardcore trio and exclusively played covers of songs from Fugazi’s 1990 album Repeater
  • Got caught smoking a joint while he was serving as an RA by some freshman who lived on his floor
  • Regularly bought apple cider at the farmers’ market on Broadway and drank it all on the way back to his dorm
  • Shat on people who played songs by the Eagles and the Steve Miller Band at parties and drunkenly lectured them about what real classic rock is
  • Sat out on the lawn with an acoustic guitar just about every night and played Oasis’s “Wonderwall” for any woman who happened to walk by*
  • Got in trouble for stealing hard-boiled eggs from all the dining halls
  • Often wore a tank top that had “All My Exes Live In Texas” printed on the front to class
  • Only showed up to classes that required participation/attendance
  • Went to Brooklyn every weekend just to “get away from it all”
  • Got most of his studying done at Barnard
  • Scolded all his friends who smoked cigarettes for destroying their lungs despite smoking weed just about every other day
  • Never rushed ADP, but constantly referred to himself as a “fellow traveler”
  • Took P.E. courses every semester just for fun
  • Brushed shoulders with Ben Jealous (CC ‘94) when Jealous was leading some protest and he was watching from the sidelines
  • Attended meetings and events hosted by the College Republicans just so he could “hear from the other side”

*Yes, we know that the song wasn’t released until the fall of ‘95. Deal with it.

I wonder which current rower will end up being elected to Congress via Office of Congressman Beto O’Rourke

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7 Comments

  • Let's see. Looks like you missed: says:

    @Let's see. Looks like you missed: 1. Drove drunk and fled the scene
    2. Committed burglary
    3. Used his father’s connections to get out of (1) and (2).

    1. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous That was George Bush

    2. ac says:

      @ac nice try, that happened in 1998, 3 years after college.

  • Come on says:

    @Come on why do you have to bring fugazi into this?

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Now this is personal. Cruz perpetuate the birther canard against fellow Columbia Barry Obama. Comparably, at Columbia, Beto was Bob and Barak was Barry.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Peter King and John Boehner consider Cruz a venomous apostate

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Fellow CC’95er:

    We didn’t have laptops.

    I don’t think 1020 existed. Probably went to Columbia Cottage a lot (free carafes of wine with your Chinese food).

    Brooklyn wasn’t yet a “thing”

    Everything else seems accurate.

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