just look how sinister it is

Butler. 11 pm. You’re sitting in a study carrel when you hear that most dreaded sound… coughing. You scramble for something, anything, that could shield you from the onslaught of microbes, but alas, there’s nothing around! While this may seem like a hopeless situation, staff writer Sarah Braner has some tips for how to avoid the plague. 

  • Actually sleep for more than two hours.
  • Consume a vegetable.
  • Mix Emergen-C with everything you eat, drink, and breathe.
  • Chug orange juice with every meal.
  • Replace every meal with pure vitamin C.
  • Constantly listen to The Vaccines.
  • Spray Lysol on every single surface you interact with.
  • Encase yourself in one of those plastic hamster balls. (Added benefit: fun.)
  • Wash your hands after being within a ten-foot radius of a sick person.
  • Wash your hands after touching anything.
  • Just be in a constant state of washing your hands.
  • Never leave your dorm room.
  • Replace your water intake with hand sanitizer to cleanse from the inside (note: Bwog does not condone ingesting things that are not meant to be ingested.)
  • Go back in time and expose your past self to all the pathogens so you develop immunity.
  • Break into the CDC. Inject every single vaccine they have into yourself. Flee the scene.
  • Drop out of college and move to an abandoned yurt in the wilderness.

(And if you actually want to avoid the plague… be sure to get your FLU SHOT!)

you little fucker via Bwog Archives