Big news from Bwog today regarding 2020. Guy-who’s-in-charge-of-snacks-for-the-campaign-office Zack Abrams brings you the announcement.
Ladies, Gentlemen, Distinguished non-binary guests, and Gamers,
From Julián “Who?-lian” Castro to Kirsten “
Clinton” Gillibrand, the 2020 race for the Democratic nomination is already chock-full of people with ideas. Well, Bwog is made up of people with ideas. And now that Western Civilization has been utterly destroyed by TikTok and woke razors, we thought to ourselves Why not make history as the first blog to run for President? And so, Bwog is forming an exploratory committee to seek the Democratic nomination.
Bwog has a wealth of qualifications for the role. We believe strongly in American principles: freedom of the press, dignity for all, and that owning AirPods is a human right, not a privilege. And we would be a great fit for the Democratic nomination: we stand firmly for these principles… until we get bored and stop standing so firmly. We endure relentless harassment from the public, but does that stop us? No! It just makes us feel bad and we buy more face masks. And with all the talk of identity politics, whether a meek white man will unite the centrists or a powerful PoC will increase turnout, there’s one identity that isn’t brought up enough: the loser. Bwog would unite the losers of this country together and create a regime of such power that the world, after it’s done laughing, will quickly kneel.
Our policies will help restore America to the beacon of hope it once was, from our Federal Jobs Guarantee (which requires that all government-granted jobs be silly, like cat-walker or blockchain enthusiast) to Open Borders (but only for YouTubers). Netflix will be nationalized. Anime will be abolished. Facebook and Google will pay you for your data but only in the form of autographed Into the Spider-Verse posters. Police guns, instead of actually shooting, will just make clown shoe noises instead. Zoning boards will be replaced with obstacle courses complete with Mission Impossible lasers and rolling boulders. And you better believe that the moment our legislative agenda faces a minor setback, we will shut down the government for four weeks just to sit in our dorm rooms and watch reruns of The West Wing.
With NYULocal as our running mate, and Jeb! as our First Daddy, it’s only a matter of time before the state of Iowa makes us the king of their caucus. From there, the Democratic nomination, and from there, the world. Prepare for your new Bwog overlords, folks, because the losers are retaking America.