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What The Hell Was Going On In The Carman Basement All Week

can you smell the smoke

Staffer Jordan Merrill theorizes/investigates/conspires about the “renovations” in the Carman Hall basement. 

First semester, I basically lived in the Carman basement lounge because I hate libraries and needed a space to do work (also because I, as a rat, am attracted to basements). So it was both shocking and upsetting for me to see that the lounge would be closed my entire first week back at school for “renovations”. I’m sure my fellow Carman residents had similar feelings of anguish and frustration upon realizing that the neon orange clusterfuck of uncomfortable couches and high top tables would be unavailable to us for six whole days.

Yet through the tears and sadness, I remained hopeful that the new renovations would ultimately be for the best and improve the look and feel of the lounge. I was mistaken…

As I went down to the basement, I realized it looked the exact fucking same. Like not a single alteration. At that point, I just felt confused. What were they doing down there? Surely not… renovating the lounge.

It was at this point that the obvious explanation occurred to me: the Carman basement lounge has been storing all of the European students who smoke in front of Butler. Think about it… when was the last time you had a crowd of expensive looking international students block your walking path while holding a lit cigarette in each hand?

Yesterday? Well, forget about that. I haven’t been paying attention, so I don’t think they’ve been there as much recently. One may think this is due to the grossly cold weather but remember: the kids smoking in front of Butler do not feel pain, so they have no reason to go inside unless they were being held in the lounge by Columbia.

You may ask silly questions like “Why would they do that?” and “What purpose does this even serve Columbia?”. The answer is simple: it’s a standard energy system. The smoke from the cigarettes is used to spin a wheel that generates power for the entire building. This not only allows Columbia to avoid a pricey power bill but also is an environmentally friendly energy source- much like solar or wind power!

While there seems to be no proof of this underground cigarette energy ring, I just know that it happened. Props to Columbia for their innovative idea and high-efficiency operation. We hope to see something similar in the near future!


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1 Comment

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous The basement was cleaned and renovated, and the live wall of plants was refurbished.

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