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What If All The Doors On Campus Stopped Working?

Canine-Anthropology Major Henry Golub explores the possible effects of every door on campus malfunctioning. Building users will find the piece “compelling,” “gripping,” and “fist-raising,” according to Jahz Kiddine, Drivel Editor of the Columbia Speckled Gator. Cole Umbeah Stoodent CC ’20 also found it “good.” Cole’s mom liked it too.

I have a recurring nightmare. It takes place in Columbia. Every door on campus is closed and jammed.

What if my dream became reality?

Not to speculate too much, but I imagine that everyone inside would stay there, and everyone outside would either have to loiter about or enter a building off campus. Starbucks would work.

But Starbucks only has so much space. Thousands of door refugees would pack in too quickly, and soon the windows would give. Only after overcrowding four more buildings would everyone realize that they should spread out into many. NYU has plenty of buildings. It is reasonable to assume that the outdoor Columbia students, having no other option, would eventually make their way downtown and storm NYU. After occupying the campus and settling back into a routine, they’d forget about Columbia’s door situation. Such is fate.

I don’t predict complacency for people trapped inside, however. They’d have plenty to remind them that all the doors on campus are broken. Especially those locked in their rooms. They might call for help, but with all of the doors gone kaput, what good would it do? I shudder at the thought.

The luckiest indoor students would have food and water. The unluckiest would be trapped in the hallways, which I expectorate—cough—to descend into anarchy. Cough cough. Yuck.

Each hallway would vary in composition, of course, but in general, fencers would dominate the new dorm order—provided they have sabers to rattle. I’m not just talking about the fencing captains; I’m talking about your garden-variety, pirate-imitating sword slingers. And provided there are math majors around, football players would find themselves a few notches lower in the pecking order. Football lost its utility as a survival tool in the fifth century, following the invention of math.

Woe too to those trapped in Avery, which has no food.

Anyway, the whole scenario reminds me of that Peter Gabriel song. Remember when workers replaced Lerner’s doors, and everyone had to funnel through just one for two weeks? Remember how so many people cut you off? Imagine a campus with one door fewer than one. Think of the frustration. Think of the time you would waste waiting, wondering, wishing, and wringing your hands to broken hinges.

I don’t know whether my nightmare will ever come to pass. I don’t even know whether the possibility warrants concern. Instead of doors, wouldn’t we just use ladders and windows?

What I mean to say is that I’m happy they finished renovating Lerner’s doors.

the Jay has fresh doors for fresh frosh via Bwog Archives

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