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Senior Citizen Wisdom: This Old Man We Found Sitting In John Jay

This crotchety old man we found eating in John Jay shares his wisdom and won’t tell us how he got in here!

Name, School, Major, Hometown: What? What was the question? I can’t hear you.

Claim to Fame: For my affair with Marilyn Monroe in the 50’s. Do you guys know who she is? Very popular actress.

Where are you going? To my granddaughter’s ballet recital and then to the grocery store to pick up Greek yogurt.

What are 3 things you learned at Columbia and would like to share with the class of 2023?

  1. The stairs outside of John Jay are too steep! It took me 40 minutes to get up here. Now I have leg cramps!
  2. Don’t let people get in your way. Push people to the side with your cane if you have to.
  3. You guys want THREE answer for this question? You get what you get. Don’t be greedy.

“Back in my day…” Room keys weren’t “electronic” and women weren’t allowed to be in this mall food court!

Favorite Columbia controversy? What is Columbia?

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: I’m 92 years old and from Stamford, Connecticut.

What was your favorite class at Columbia? Why is no one answering my question? What is Columbia? What is a “class”?

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? I haven’t had either since 1987.

Who would you like to thank? YOU! For wasting my time! And this food court for not having a Panda Express. Disappointing!

One thing to do before graduating: Graduating? I’m 92, and I would like to go to the Cayman Islands.

Any regrets? Yeah! This lentil soup is awful. I shouldn’t have gotten it.

Old Man via iStock Photos


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  • PLEASE says:

    @PLEASE Leave my dad alone

  • Trump? says:

    @Trump? He’s an asshole, but he says what needs to be said.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous I swear, he texted me this:

    I keep changing my password because they prompt me to but then they lock me out for doing it too much because the bag lady next to me in the library hexed me.

    The pointer moves around too much because the spider is playing with the touchpad trying to weave a web on my nose shaped like a satanic alchemist pentagram.

    Why do all alien abductions occur while leaving the bar?

    Demons trick me into supersizing my drinks so I think I got diarrhea because they know I am afraid of using public toilets because I have a hard time cleaning my hairy hemorrhoids at the library sink.

    My look and feel settings keep changing because the millenials who
    work at the social networks have nothing better to do but play with stuffed voodoo chipmunks on their shoulders which randomly and demonically slows down the computer.

    Credit cards and loans change the amount I owe despite the fact that I pay the same amount every seven weeks.

    I refuse to brush my teeth because the enamel will come off and make my teeth hurt.

    The insects use the asbestos from my plaster, shingles, tiles and pipes for nesting material. And the subway shakes loose the asbestos so I breathe it.

    My messages never get sent because I tap music with my foot on the power cord and the computer keeps shutting down, caused by drawings of satanic moon residents on the soap container.

    I keep replacing my cellular phone because it keeps flashing 666-1984 and disappears

    I keep dialing wrong numbers, getting stuff I never ordered and people reply to messages I never sent because my youthful inebriety enabled me to discern demonic facial features.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous He just donated a billion so the college will be renamed for him on grounds they triple tuition to keep out deplorables

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