If you’re feeling lost with the end of the school year approaching, look no further than to your favorite LitHum book for guidance. Here’s how you should be spending your summer, Columbia-Core-style.

The Iliad, Homer: decide to drop out of Columbia, join the army, and spend the next ten years deployed overseas

If Not, Winter, Sappho: have a deep, passionate love affair that you know cannot and will not survive the end of summer

The Odyssey, Homer: campaign for your 2020 presidential run

Genesis: enjoy nature, take up gardening, visit an orchard

Job: prepare to lose everything

Song of Solomon: have a lot of sexy sex

The Histories, Herodotus: find a way to stay on campus and conduct classics research

Oresteia, Aeschylus: get revenge, or something

Antigone, Sophocles: actually hang with your siblings

Clouds, Aristophanes: take up gambling with the hopes of getting ahead on your student debt

The Symposium, Plato: get inebriated

The Aeneid, Virgil: get that internship, I guess

Metamorphoses, Ovid: make racy art

Luke/John: become a roadie and follow your favorite artist from festival to festival

Confessions, Augustine: spend the first half of the summer totally hedonistically, then swing hard the other way and find Jesus

Inferno, Dante: dedicate yourself to Crossfit

Essays, Montaigne: return to your hometown and think about how great and interesting you are (optional: recover from kidney stones)

Macbeth, Shakespeare: start believing in horoscopes and destroy any and all of your friendships

Don Quixote, Cervantes: volunteer for a 2020 presidential campaign

Paradise Lost, Milton: have your quarter-life crisis

Pride and Prejudice, Austen: get married (optional: get your siblings married, too)

Crime and Punishment, Dostoevsky: stay in New York just to wander around the city and say cryptic things (optional: commit a crime, get punished)

To the Lighthouse, Woolf: host a series of tense dinner parties and try to play matchmaker for your friends

Song of Solomon, Morrison: tell your dad you don’t want to run the family business and spend your time compiling an elaborate family history instead

Photo via Vivian’s outstanding photoshop skills and Wikimedia