Never fear, freshies: Bwog Arts Editor and rat monarchist Riva Weinstein is here with a lightly comprehensive guide to everything you need to know during your first year at Columbia University. Hark her wisdom, for the journey ahead is long.
#1: When signing up for classes, be aware that registration times are in EST.
If the class you wanted is full, keep refreshing the page, as people may drop it from their schedules.
#2: Financial aid may seem complicated at first, but it’s actually pretty easy to register. To receive a 40% stipend, simply write your name on a slip of paper and place it in one of the “penis fountains” on Low Steps. At the end of each semester, one name from each undergraduate school will be pulled from the fountain. These four students will fight a battle to the death in PrezBo’s office for the entertainment of the faculty and board members.
BONUS: If you need extra financial assistance, check out Columbia’s “Rat Pack” option. In return for your free ride, you may select one family member or loved one to be sacrificed to His Skittering Eminence, the Prime Minister of Rodentia, the Rat King of Lerner Hall, who lurks in the tunnels beneath Columbia and threatens our very way of life. Choose wisely!
#3: John Jay has the best desserts, Diana has the best pizza, Hewitt has the best vegetarian and kosher options, Ferris has the best music, and JJ’s has free gummy bears.
To unlock the secret, sixth dining hall, begin at the Broadway Median Strip.
Wait for the stroke of midnight. Make sure no one else is around. Watch the streetlight. If it remains yellow, you’ve passed the first test.
Look for the grad student in a quarter zip and shorts. Even if it is December, do NOT comment on the shorts. Follow him. Don’t make eye contact with anyone. If any of the lights change while you’re walking, run as fast as you can back to campus. Otherwise, keep walking.
When you see the Seinfeld portraits, you’re safe for now.
You’ve made it.
You’ve found the secret sixth dining hall.
Disclaimer: You cannot use your Points card at the secret sixth dining hall, but they do accept cursed gold and credit.
#4: God lives in Kent Library. The Devil lives in Avery Library. They’re going through a messy divorce and would appreciate your support in this trying time. They also have a son, Beelzebub, who lives in the Business Library. He’s not particularly evil, but he is VERY annoying.
#5: Treasure your friendships. Form mentorships with teachers and older students. These relationships will determine who you are at a crucial point of transition in your life from youth to adulthood, and their impact will persist long after the rest of your college activities are forgotten. Their importance is second to nothing.
Images via Riva Weinstein