Welcome to the Tide Pod Tavern! You’ve found yourself in one of the most lawless parts of this here University, where rogues and ruffians mingle with civilians and cowboys. Here are the types of folk you’ll likely see ’round these parts. 

The laundry relocators: Lawless, fearless, ruthless. These outlaws are scoundrels of the worst kind. You can resolve to put an end to their shenanigans or you can have a grudgin’ respect for their audacity. Either way, you have to wonder who or what made them the hardened criminal they are today.

The people who prevent relocation of laundry: Perhaps you’ve been this person, or perhaps you’ve seen them in person. Either way, who could they be but the law-enforcing sheriffs? Locked in a battle they know they can never win, these archetypal heroes do their best to preserve order.

The opportunists: These quick-witted, swift-footed gunslingers are in and out before you know they’re there. Able to spot a free machine as soon as it opens, these folks have the fastest laundry-loadin’, button-pushin’, detergent-pourin’ hands in the west.

The Columbia students acclimating to the Barnard laundry system: How did they end up in this strange new world of Barnard housing? Are they exiles from a more civilized land, brave explorers of the great frontier, or just really, really lost? No matter their background, these adventurin’ pioneers always have a story and a half from their travels.

The people who have been waiting for ages to use a machine: See those folk in the back, faces bathed in lingerin’ shadows, watchin’ us? Them there are the town drifters. They seem to appear and disappear at random – none of us know their names, how long they’ve been there, or what they’re up to, but it feels like they’ve been here for years. Some say they’re runnin’ from their past, some say they’re just in search of a better life. Some even say they’ve forgotten who they are themselves.

The seniors: These hardscrabble, no-nonsense bartenders can give advice on the best time to come around, which machine you should use, and whether you really need to separate your darks and lights. They’ve seen some shit, and they remember times long past… like when you had to pay every time you used a machine. Usually ready to move on to greener pastures, there’s still some wistful recollection of their glory days that keeps ’em coming back.

The people honestly just trying to get their laundry done: The backbone of any Wild Western ecosystem, these folks are as essential as the cattle that make up our livelihood.

Wot in clothing sterilization via Bwog Staff