With NSOP drawing to an end and students realizing they are impostors/too lazy to fill out the Spec app/desperate for extracurriculars/lonely, newcomers showed up in droves to the first open Bwog meeting of the year. New Bwogger (and maybe already retired Bwogger) Nicki Camberg brings us this report.

After waking up from a productive power nap and getting lost along the way, I showed up to Lerner 510 at 8:50, waiting outside the door with other attendees as the e-board of Bwog stared at us through the window with death in their eyes. As the roughly 12,000 CC/Barnard freshman and I were let in, we were dismayed to see that there was only a single chair for us to sit it. We were told by editor-in-chief Jenny Zhu that it was for PrezBo, but he never showed up??? It was weirdly desperate, I doubt he’s ever come to a meeting.

Anyway, the meeting began with a quick six minutes of watching paint dry in silence, which was a bit dreary but really showed me the collaborative community Bwog bragged about in their recruitment emails. Snacks and beverages were provided: a delicious spread of rats found on Low Steps toasted in the fiery hells of the un-airconditioned Barnard quad, and a mocktail consisting of leaking water from the Hewitt tunnels and the tears of econ students in LitHum classes.

Zack Abrams, Managing Editor, went into detail on why he believes Bwog is the best club on campus, including that they are superior to Spec, Bwog is the only source of news for Barnumbia, anything is better than joining Spectator, and they take fun field trips to Spectator’s offices to steal stories/eat newspapers/beg to be writers. While this wasn’t the most appealing to me personally, I was excited by the promise of Monday morning ragers in the Carman elevators.

The meeting then turned to pitches, and the old guard seemed keen to steal the ideas of us desperate freshman. Highlights included “Why Two Inches Is The Best Length For Blades Of Grass,” “Let’s Continue To Talk About The Mario Badescu Cleanser,” and “What Dining Hall Are You Based On Your Blood Type And Social Security Number?” Assignments were given in height order to current Bwog staffers, and the new prospies who had pitched the articles were then shot via a cannon onto the surface of the sun. The third head of Bwog, who’s name I’ve forgotten and could not find in the email, elaborated on the application process, which would consist of an interpretive dance piece about why three-year-old Columbia stereotypes/running jokes are still funny, a 10-12 page MLA format essay on oral cheese vs. sex (which felt weird considering the number of abstinent lactose intolerant people in the room), and a powerpoint of Buzzfeed quizzes that could be redesigned to focus on Columbia libraries.

The meeting ended early, as many of the staffers expressed a need to FaceTime their mothers to get validation and see their dogs, but I was the only person left anyway as everyone else had been scared off by the 36-hour-a-day commitment, and I was committed to getting all the information I could to write this article and impress my future employers. In this humble Bwoger’s opinion, joining Bwog definitely appears to be more fun than getting a cavity filled, but not as exciting as waiting in line at the Ferris pasta bar, and as such, I don’t think I’ll be going to any future meetings.

Bwog logo via our top-shelf graphic design team