With its highly advanced technology, complex belief system, and powerful architecture, the mysterious Columbian civilization has bewildered archaeologists for generations. How could such a mystical empire come to be? In her groundbreaking new book ($4.99 on Amazon), visionary Arts Editor and semiprofessional tomb raider Riva Weinstein finally answers this age-old question.
Picture yourself walking through an ordinary Manhattan neighborhood. Suddenly, a vast shape rises up on the horizon. It is a gargantuan block of granite, marble and iron, flanked by huge votive phalli and inscribed with mysterious symbols, full of ancient secrets. As the shock fades, the mind floods with questions: Who was “The Library of Columbia University”? Why did his tomb require such a colossal investment of labor and wealth? From whence came the prestige building materials, the thousands upon thousands of burial artifacts? Who is “Butler”? Perhaps his queen?
And, of course, the most important question of all: How could such a primitive, uncivilized people as the Columbians produce such a stunning achievement? Why does the first page of Google search results fail to explain how the Library of Columbia University tomb was actually built? Archaeologists are stupefied to explain, probably.
There is only one explanation for how a semi-nomadic, largely plant-based, primitive culture like the Columbians could have created such impressive buildings. They must have had help from a far superior, enlightened, and indeed otherworldly civilization: the Ancient Egyptians.
The truth may seem shocking at first. It seems to ask more questions than it answers: How did the Ancient Egyptians get to 21st century Manhattan? Why did they select the Columbians as their “chosen people”? Do you actually have a degree in archaeology? How is the History Channel still airing this bullshit?
But it must be the truth. First, let us consider the scale of the architecture. The simple, monotheistic religion of many Columbians discouraged pride and self-aggrandization, encouraging humility and personal relationships with the divine. If this is the case, why would they expend such effort in building huge, ostentatious temples and palaces like Site 24 (aka “PrezBo’s Mansion”)? How can we reconcile their hatred of idolatry with the omnipresent votive images of dead white men?
However, if we work off the assumption that the Columbians were contacted by a superior civilization – the Ancient Egyptians – then their mysterious constructions suddenly make sense. The complex, polytheistic Ancient Egyptian religion not only allowed votive images and impressive temples, but encouraged them, as a way to build patron-subject relationships with particular gods. Ancient Egyptian pharaohs were seen as worldly avatars of Horus, the god of kingship. Their statues were not only offerings to the divine pharaoh, but could temporarily house his soul in religious ceremonies, as well as being highly effective propaganda tools.
But how was this amazing architecture built? The stone used in Butler’s mausoleum has been traced to quarries hundreds of miles away. The burial offerings – including iron, paper, coffee, and South American grains – come from even more distant places. The simple Columbians lacked sufficiently advanced technology to build such a tomb.
The brilliant Ancient Egyptians, however, did not. To build the Great Pyramids at Giza, a force of tens of thousands of paid, housed laborers used highly advanced techniques like sliding stone blocks on a sledge over wet sand. With the impetus of a strong central government, the Ancient Egyptians could have easily undertaken the Butler tomb project using their enlightened knowledge of astronomy, land surveying, and basic-ass geometry.
To organize massive-scale labor, the Columbians would have needed a strict time schedule. Yet judging by the lack of public clocks, and Butler’s obscene open hours, the primitive Columbians had no conception of time. The super-advanced, transcendent Ancient Egyptians had a solar calendar and timekeeping devices by 3500 BCE, which they developed by having a look at the sun, moon and stars, you goddamn weirdo.
Mysteriously, the entire Columbia campus is aligned with the magnetic poles of the Earth. It is also organized around a central plaza, where secret rituals would take place at one of the most ancient parts of the city, The Library of Columbia University’s mausoleum. At the edge of the plaza, a piece of impossibly advanced technology has been excavated: an Ancient Egyptian sundial, obviously unreadable by any native Columbian. This is clear proof that the Columbians were contacted by the Ancient Egyptians, and that they wove secret Egyptian wisdom into their architecture like which way is North.
“The votive phalli make a great deal of sense given the Egyptian fetish for symmetry and for supersizing such members,” said Barnard Egyptology professor Ellen Morris. “Having proved their prowess with constructing the Step Pyramid nearly 4,000 years ago, the Low Library steps would have been a breeze!” added Morris, a professor at Barnard College, which is fine.
The superb technological advances of the Ancient Egyptians are everywhere in Columbian society: writing, paper, makeup, toothpaste, door locks, tables, and beer to name a few. However, it should be acknowledged that the Columbians did not derive all their culture from their Ancient Egyptian benefactors. Archaeologists have noted many mysterious wall inscriptions containing the image of an anthropomorphized vegetal deity or demigod, known only as the “Pineapple Man.”
This local god may have presented a threat to the dominant Egyptian pantheon. His presence in Butler’s tomb, therefore, represented an apocalyptic crisis between faiths. This ultimately led to the uprising of the Columbians against the Ancient Egyptians, and to the downfall of the Columbian civilization.
Let this be a warning to all of us: when the super-advanced Ancient Egyptians return to show us the way of technology and enlightenment, we must be prepared to welcome them, even if it means the destruction of our old way of life.
Stay tuned for my next segment on the History Channel, in which I explain why wanting to slide into Anubis’ DMs doesn’t make you a furry.
Image via Riva Weinstein and Wikimedia Commons