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Here Are The Best Places To Give Birth On Campus

I am a medicawwy wicenced wittle baby pwofessional. 

Birth: it’s happened to everyone. Whether you like it or not, you have been born! Life is something that is usually started in the confines of a hospital room (or an inflatable pool in the living room if you’re a little freaky), but the days of mainstream birthing are totally over. The hottest new trend in Morningside Heights is popping a baby out right on Columbia’s campus! I’m talking about directly into Butler’s circulation desk. For you, dear reader, I have compiled a comprehensive list of all the best places to give birth on Columbia’s campus.

  • The fountains by Low Steps. Who doesn’t love a good water birth? And just look at that fountain; it is absurdly phallic. The fertile energy is overwhelming, and your little baby will totally want to crawl right out. Plus, you get the added bonus of crowds of people on the steps cheering you on, rooting for your baby. Awesome! 
  • The booths in NoCo. Let’s face it, they’re huge! There is plenty of room for you to do birth here. The green rubbery material also provides a great Slip-n-slide for your child upon delivery. This baby’s gonna be a rockstar! 
  • In a Hamilton Elevator on its way to the seventh floor. You will probably have enough time to go into labor, give birth, and raise this child on the ride up.
  • Ferris omelette station. Think about it: lots of eggs. What was your baby merely nine months ago? That’s right, eggs. Your child will feel right at home being born in the omelette station, and who knows? They might just learn how to cook!
  • The Morton Williams frozen foods aisle. This is a great place to cryogenically freeze your baby. While we are all in 2019, your baby will be living in 3174.
  • The Mail Center in Wien. This one actually makes too much sense. Your baby is being delivered, just like my package of sparkly barrettes was delivered to the mail center last week. I do not know what a homonym is. 
  • PrezBo’s desk. This is like dropping a baby at a fire station, except it is President Lee C. Bollinger’s desk. If you leave your baby here, PrezBo is legally required to raise it as his own (I know the law). 
  • The top floor of the stacks. If you’re a Columbia student, there is a very real possibility that this child was conceived in the stacks, so why not complete the cycle and let them come into this world there too? 
  • In front of the drink machines at Ferris. How blessed your baby will be to block the people of Ferris from getting their drinks. They are already a burden. How cute!
  • At the top of the Lerner ramps, except by the time you’re done giving birth, you’re at the bottom. Weeeeee a slide.
  • In Alma’s lap. Don’t you want her to whisper sweet nothings into your ear as you pop someone out of you? She’s the perfect midwife and regular wife.
  • On a Milstein green chair. Mmmmm they are so comfy. Your baby will love it.
  • JJ’s warming table. This will keep your baby nice and warm before consumption.
  • In the NoCo revolving door. Your tot will need to have great reflexes to keep up with this spinny door. This is a great way to train for track and field at the Olympics, if that is what you have in mind for them.
  • On the Subway. No one will bother you here. It will be a peaceful birth.
  • In the Schermerhorn Extension building. If you’re looking for you baby to straight up disappear, this is the place to birth it. You will literally never find your child if they are born here because this building does not exist.
  • An EC elevator at midnight next Saturday. Warm, damp, crowded: this is the environment that your baby has gotten used to for nine months. It’s only healthy to release the Little You into the world here.
  • At Hungarian. Everything is delicious here, except you can only pay for your baby in cash.
  • Anywhere in 1020. There are absolutely no positives to giving birth in 1020, except you will always get to say that you had a baby here, and you might get free drinks for that.
  • In the Westside Market fruit piles. Yummy snack for baby!
  • In the waiting room of CPS. Jesus fucking Christ. Oh god fucking
  • Southfield lawns during Bacchanal. Oh no! Your baby landed in a pile of coke and vomit!
  • Sitting in your chair during your first Uwriting class, but be as quiet as possible as to not embarrass yourself in front of your new classmates. Hi, I’m Kevin, and I’m a freshman in SEAS! I’m not giving birth right now at ALL.
  • Lerner 510. At 9 PM. On Sunday. Tell the baby to come out of you with some article pitches!

wittle baby via this place

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6 Comments

  • jordan's biggest fan says:

    @jordan's biggest fan omg she outsold shakespeare and mark twain

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous the hottest take from this article is that ec elevators are in fact The Womb

  • jordan’s second biggest fan says:

    @jordan’s second biggest fan thanks jordan! i used this article as a birthing guide and successfully had my baby on almas lap! her name is jordan prezbo columbia😌

  • jordan's secret admirer says:

    @jordan's secret admirer this is a great article in my opinion. not just because it is written by jordan, but also because it is hilarious!

    1. jordan's secret admirer says:

      @jordan's secret admirer okay. i’ll admit it. this is grace.

  • tree says:

    @tree hey bwog what the fuck

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