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It’s Time To Have A Conversation About Those Stairs At The Heights

Hello, I’m back to complain about something completely arbitrary again. 

Let me just start off by saying I love The Heights. Out of the three crappy bars that Columbia students frequent, I think The Heights might be the least crappy (this is an argument for another time). I love it so much that I literally risk my life getting to the roof every time I go.

How do you risk your life, freak; its a fucking 100-square-foot student bar, you might loudly and anonymously proclaim in the comment section. To this, I answer: please go to The Heights in the sober light of day and take the stairs to the rooftop. You will probably find that it is, simply put, not okay.

I’m not exactly the most informed citizen on the topic of building codes, but I do know that stairs should probably not exceed a forty five degree angle, especially in a place where a majority of patrons are essentially drunk babies. If I had to guess, I would say the stairs in The Heights are at about a ninety degree angle (at least that is what it feels like after a few frozen margs). In other words, the stairs are essentially a ladder that you sometimes, when no one is watching, must crawl up.

I’ve seen people spend a solid minute walking up or down these stairs. That doesn’t sound like such a long time, but think about the reality of that situation. That’s like, three seconds per stair. Which is weird.

I do understand that New York buildings are “old” and “historic” and their features “might not adhere to international safety regulations,” but I think this is a complaint that must be made in my personal diary on The first time I walked down those stairs with an out-of-town friend, we were literally in tears over how funny and absurd the slope of the stairs is. In the moment, it literally feels like the most dangerous adventure one could possibly participate in, and that is somehow hilarious to the drunken mind. When the mind is not drunk anymore, though, the situation seems… iffy.

When I brought up the stairs to a friend out of the blue, they said, “wait what stair- OHHHHH. YOU’RE SO RIGHT.” In my book, that is solid evidence that I am not crazy and the stairs are definitely wrong and illegal and not good. I don’t want anything to actually change, but the acknowledgement of these ridiculous “stairs” was long overdue.

Thank you all for listening. This has been a post.

POV image at top of Heights stairs/NOT the Great Wall of China via Shutterstock



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1 Comment

  • jordans biggest fan says:

    @jordans biggest fan hey queen! girl, you have done it again. constantly raising the bar for us all, and doing it F L A W L E S S L Y. i’d say i’m surprised, but i know who you are – i’ve seen it up close and personal. i’m so proud. and i love you!

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