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Why Barnard Has Better Merch Than Columbia

After a disappointing trip to the Barnard Store, staff writer Nicki Camberg compiled a secret menu of the best items available for purchase that few students know about.

Something many a Barnard student noticed at some point during their admissions process or their first time on campus is lack of variety and options at the Barnard Store. If I want to rep my school, rocking that classic navy quarter zip, I will most likely be wearing the same thing as the person to both the left and right of me in my freshman seminar, and none of us plan on changing, and I’m sick of making this fashion faux pas. On my first time entering the Forever 21 that is the Columbia Bookstore, I was shocked by the vast array of choices, nay, outraged! I want the ability to wear head to toe Barnard gear like so many Columbia athletes are prone to do. I’ve done the math and found that while there are roughly 100 items for sale in our little Diana store, the Columbia Bookstore offers about 3900 items (excluding textbooks) on their website.

Yet, upon further inspection, I think I have discovered a reason for this stark disparity. What we may lack in quantity, we have made up for in quality and desirability. Below I’ve compiled some of the best things for sale in the Barnard store, and for the jealous Columbia students, the closest alternative available on your side of the street.

1. Did you know Barnard was given the right by the federal reserve in 1953 to print its own currency? Barnard Bucks are legal tender, only acceptable in Barnard Buy Sell Trade and to rent Milstein green chairs, and every student knows to always keep some of these handy! Sorry Columbia, maybe one day you’ll get your own money that you can put in your $24.98 Contrast Stitch Trifold Wallets.

2. What completes any outfit is a classic timepiece! While Columbia’s $209.98 Ladies Watch Rolled Link Bracelet Watch is lovely, I’d prefer to get one of Barnard’s Big Bens. Inspired by the London monument, these gorgeous lifesize statues are a perfect accent piece to any dorm, and with this 315 foot souvenir, you’ll never forget the time again!

3. Sometimes college can get lonely, we’ve all been there! Away from home and your friends and family, it can be nice to have a familiar face. Luckily, if you stop by the Barnard store you can pick up a handy dandy Barnard branded Dr. Phil! Our patented cloning technology is state of the art, so you can be sure that your new buddy will be just like the real thing. I think Columbia might sell Drummer Nutcrackers if you want one, but to me, they pale in comparison to the bootylicious Twitter legend and overall icon that is Dr. Phillip C. McGraw.

4. Barnard did an exclusive partnership with NASA last year! The Barnard rocketship is fully equipped for all your space exploration needs and travels beyond the speed of sound, getting you to the front of the line at the Ferris pasta bar or to your 8:40am mistake of a lecture on time when you sleep through your alarm. The closest equivalent Columbia students can get to flying into the milky way is when they sit in their $549.98 Standard Chair Captains Chairs, but these unfortunately require you to purchase an engine separately.

5. In need of a snack? in addition to Hewitt and Diana, Barnard’s own alumna Martha Stewart is available 24/7 for custom meals. This unique Barnard merch is a point of pride for every student, but is unfortunately unavailable for Columbia students, especially those who judge Barnard students for wearing Columbia merch, even though we go to your school and would likely prefer to wear our own stuff if we had more options. Anyway, Columbia’s 15 Piece Box of Milk Chocolate is probably just as good, but you might as well just steal candy from the dining hall entrances.

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