Staff Writer Andrew Wang dares to compare the scholarly activities of a Columbia University student to a 2-hour marathon, and we are here for it. 

Just last week, Kenya’s Eliud Kipchoge completed the marathon in 1 hour, 59 minutes, and 40 seconds. It is the first sub-2 hour marathon in all of human history, and his accomplishment follows a growing list of achievements reached in the name of humanity.

Until 1959, it was almost universal consensus that a human being could not run a mile in under 4 minutes. And then, Roger Bannister of Great Britain ran it 3 minutes and 59 seconds.

But Eliud Kipchoge would have finished in 3 minutes and 35 seconds.

In 2009, Usain Bolt ran the 100 meters in 9.58 seconds. Eliud Kipchoge’s projected time? 9.52 seconds.

And in 1969, Neil Armstrong walked on the moon (allegedly).

Eliud Kipchoge would have actually walked on the moon.

We know these to be true because of a system in track and field scoring called the Mercier table. It is a standardized conversion system that puts all events on equal footing so you can convert your PrezBo’s Fun Run 5k time to exactly how far you could launch a javelin into the air (probably not very far). It’s homecoming weekend, so in the name of sports, we here at Bwog have done the calculations for you. And so we present: the Columbia equivalents of running a 2-hour marathon.

Event: Reaching the 7th floor of Hamilton
Result: 2 minutes 42 seconds

Event: Hours of sleep, on average
Result: 8.75

Event: Opening the automatic door in John Jay on the first try, manually:
Result: Yes

Event: Still making it across Broadway when the light has this many seconds left
Result: 4.00

Event: Laps run around the Dodge Fitness Center indoor track without crashing into someone who didn’t look before they cross even though it’s literally the easiest thing to do and there is no excuse for not looking and if you’re reading this Michael you better watch yourself
Result: 9.00

Event: Percentage of “Let’s Grab a Meal Sometime”s actualized
Result: 0.60

Event: LinkedIn connections established via dating apps
Result: 55.00

“File:Eliud Kipchoge.jpg” by Luctor