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Rejected Halloween Costumes: Third Time’s The Curse

When going out tonight, remember this: what if you become the Canadian Prime Minister in 40 years? 

It’s the day before my favorite holiday: Discount Duane Reade Candy Day. Some of you choose to celebrate the occasion by dressing up in costumes that attempt to make you look hot while also showing off your cultural literacy. This is a tough balance to strike, and to help you stay on the right side of Halloween history we’ve collected some Columbia-related costumes that you shouldn’t be caught undead in.

CUMB ZOMBIE

After the administration took the slash-and-ban approach to the marching band, the alumni association helped raise almost $30,000 to save it. The band’s performing privileges were eventually reinstated, which marks the last that anyone wants to hear about the marching band until the night before finals. Leave the toilet seat, the toilet humor, and the megaphone at home; you don’t want to give the band the impression that we want to see them more than once a semester.

PIGGYBACKING OFF OF THAT

The costume is simple: brave the subterranean horrors of Dodge, find someone willing to carry you from Mel’s to 1020, and spend the night piggybacking off of someone the same way you do in every discussion section. However, with all the fees that come from LyftWithYourLegs (the piggyback ride-hailing company), you’re better off staying home to actually do the reading, for once.

YUPPIE YUP.IO TECH BRO

An unholy orgy of the worst concepts in technology, yup.io hopes to monetize your social influence using the blockchain, but as of yet has only succeeded in making me throw up in my mouth typing the previous line. If you were planning to go out with colored tape all over your body, you’re better off just staying home and jerking off to the thought of Peter Thiel spilling his seed capital all over your shartup [sic].

THE GHOSTS OF FAILED MIDTERMS PAST

 “Wear your 2.8 GPA like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you” — Tyrion Lannister, or something. Following the Dinkle’s lead and showing off what you drink to forget by stapling past failures to your clothing will only make your friends — and the CAVA staff — feel even sorrier for you.

A FRIDAY NIGHT PIAZZA NOTIFICATION

We’ve all been there: it’s Friday night, you’re out not making memories (as you’re about to black out drinking), and your phone buzzes with some poor soul asking a question about a problem set due next week on Piazza. The costume is simple enough: just tape a screenshot to the limited fabric on your typical party fit, but you should probably just wear it to office hours instead of reminding fellow partiers about the midterms they should be studying for.

PUBLIC SAFETY OFFICER

It’s been quite the year for Public Safety. In a bad way! I’ll leave it at this: pretend you’re on paid administrative leave and stay home for the night. Or else you might get… dragged.

Spooky Collage via me and my Creative Cloud™ subscription (I’m an adult now)

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