After terrorizing a small town, the star of Untitled Goose Game was spotted on our very campus. Managing Editor Zack Abrams tells the tale.
Day 0: It’s quiet in Morningside Heights… too quiet. Although it’s a Thursday night, the usual gaggle of neuroses attached to human bodies that hangs outside Mel’s is nowhere to be found. 1020 is barren, and a cold breeze blows through Ref. If you listen close enough, you can almost hear on the wind… a honk.
Day 1: If you’re reading this, I hope you’re somewhere safe, and I hope to God your shoelaces are tied tight. It was exactly as I feared: the Goose is here. Barricade your doors, skip class, and protect your private property. There’s no telling what the Goose is capable of.
Day 3: I have horrible news to report… we’ve lost JJ’s. After dashing into the dining hall by tripping a student who was exiting, the Goose proceeded to dump smoothie all over the floor, fling mozzarella sticks everywhere, and upend half the tables. This was a decisive first blow, but word has it CAVA is preparing for a tactical strike.
Day 8: The lone survivor of the CAVA raid finally made it to Camp Enclave today. According to her, the Goose was ready for them, quickly distracting them with a porcelain goose statue and hopping in the driver’s seat, rampaging through campus in the ambulance before, thankfully, it ran out of gas. Our communication lines with the team at Riverside, led by Deantini, have been beaked straight through. Meanwhile, the Goose sits on the sundial and waits.
Day 17: With DeBlasio still in Iowa, the city has been unable to mobilize its forces to regain campus. We’ve resigned to drinking the tears of happiness of SEAS students (their midterms were canceled on account of the Goose) for sustenance. We’re down to our last MacBook charger, and I’ve only got one move left to play: I need an audience with the King.
Day 28: With the help of the Rat King’s legions, honk-canceling headphones, and the expertise of the operations research majors (that’s what that is, right?), we were finally able to negotiate for half of the campus back. I hope you enjoyed your last Carman party, because everything south of the sundial is now Goose territory. Columbia Dining has set up temporarily on the first floor of NoCo as Columbia students get adjusted to their new life. If you dare to venture into the Goose’s realm, be sure you run at the first flash of white and orange, or it’ll be the last honk! you’ll ever hear.
Big Goose via Bwog Staff, Small Goose via House House