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Thoughts You Have While Eating a Jumbo Slice of Koronet Pizza

New Bwogger Eliza Staples has her first jumbo slice of Koronet Pizza, and it proves to be a character building experience.

On a chilly Friday night, I ventured to Koronet and naively purchased a jumbo slice of pizza. The following internal monologue ensued:

  • This is gigantic.
  • Genuinely, this is almost the size of a toddler.
  • Ok, for a slice of pizza this comically large, it’s actually surprisingly good? No skimping on quality here. Koronet did that for us. 
  • God, pizza really is the perfect food.

At this point, I got a little cocky. I had gotten through more pizza than I previously expected. It was at this juncture that I started tricking out my pizza with red pepper flakes, parmesan, etc. This is a good choice; I would highly recommend. I then returned to eating:

  • The parmesan/red pepper flakes really hit different. 
  • Eating pizza is the most delightful activity in the world! Ludicrous size be damned!
  • God, this is unwieldy as hell.
  • Despite the pizza shrinking in size, it’s somehow becoming more unwieldy? 
  • There is still so much pizza left to go and I am not prepared at all for this responsibility.

Here, I realized that the slice was losing structural integrity. I dug deep and remembered some high school geometry and with some folding and finagling, got the slice into a more compact shape. Emboldened by my engineering skills, I forged on. 

  • New shape is working well. Currently completing a transfer application to SEAS.
  • This pizza continues to be delicious, even in a new shape. 
  • I would likely kill a man for this pizza. 
  • Red pepper flake distribution was not perfect. Just hit a large collection of pepper.

This red pepper flake encounter was the writing on the wall. I suddenly could not take another bite. There was still a good third of the pizza to go. The cheese was beginning to congeal, forming a rubbery sheet across a base of tepid marinara. I found myself asking questions like, “What is this all for?”, “How much money did I pay for this again?”, and “Hey, aren’t I lactose intolerant?” I was losing the plot. What had started as a fun Friday night activity was quickly becoming the death of me. But, I found my second wind. I ate that last third of pizza, crust and all. I found that drive within myself. 

I learned a lot at Koronet this weekend: delicious pizza is relatively easy and cheap to come by, and is available in excellently large qualities. But more than that, I learned a lot about perseverance, despite all odds. When the going gets tough, the tough finish their goddamn jumbo slice.

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