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Types Of Columbia Students On Saturday Night

Saturday Daily Editor and baby Bwogger Lauren Kahme outlines and analyzes the various forms of Columbia students on a Saturday night.

The Drunk:

This student is the one stumbling over their feet, which are warmed from alcohol; they cackle and double down in giddiness on the Low Steps, probably somewhere close to 2:00 am. They’re celebrating everything and nothing, as very well they should. Cheers!

The Newbie: 

They need assistance, pronto. Newfound freedom and independence excite the Newbie to the point at which they fancy themselves as possessing bodily invincibility. This student is eager to get out and take advantage of the “nightlife” Columbia has to offer–three bars and a few small suites, if we’re being honest–but maybe they were too hasty. Their decision making is not the wisest at this time, so if you could call back tomorrow (Sunday) morning during the concerted effort to cure their hangover with classic brunch, that would be perfect! Thanks!

The Indecisive One: 

This was every first-year during NSOP, but don’t be surprised if you witness this particular phenomenon carried over into later years. This Columbia student cannot make a decision for their life! It’s Saturday night so do I go to EC, attempt to be studious, drink way too much, walk around Central Park, have a sleepover with a new friend, or pay $27.31 for a grilled cheese sandwich while trying a trendy NYC restaurant?!?! Decisions, decisions. 

The Chill One:

The meditating, manifesting, weed-smoking, horoscope-telling, palm-reading, movie-watching student. Any combination of the aforementioned activities may constitute as “chill.” Yeah, pretty relaxed over here.

The Artsy One: 

This student can easily be seen at local bands’ performances, art shows, or poetry readings. We all low-key wish our vices included trying cute coffee shops and attending live shows of obscure indie bands; in reality, they include getting JJ’s slushies and skipping class because “I deserve it.”

The Loner: 

Too often does the word “loner” invoke frowns from listeners, and too often does the sight of someone in solitude incite pity in onlookers. Some of us are merely introverts who want to be left alone (me!). There exists a fine line between keeping to oneself and being lonely, and those students found in public alone on a Saturday night could go either way. The take away is to check up on your friends, but also try not to make a big deal about them spending time with their own mind…to each their own!

The Scholar:

As you peer up and glance through Milstein’s glorious glass windows, you will most certainly spot those studious enough to prioritize the library on an October Saturday night when the skies are dry and clear, and the air is a cool, crisp 65 degrees. In reality, though, I envy their work ethic. Here’s to smart women: may we be them, may we know them, may we raise them. 

The Author:

Me. Writing this article while inhaling the scent of pho being warmed in my lounge’s microwave at 7:28 pm on a prime weekend evening.

Bay City Rollers via Wikimedia

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