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Why Do My Drawers Open On Their Own?

Inside my humble abode, there is a strange problem. A curious happening. A spooky occurrence. At regular times throughout the day, every single drawer in the room opens by itself. The only way to solve this problem is to slam the drawers shut, stub your toe and live in constant agony. Now, there might be a simple answer to this, maybe the floor is slightly tilted, but I have some other ideas as to what might be going on.

1. The obvious answer: a ghost. A playful, harmless ghost who has decided to torture me by endlessly opening my drawers. Maybe said ghost has a vengeance against drawers and has returned to earth to carry out a mission against them. Whatever it is ghosty, if you’re reading this, please carry out your paranormal activities in someone else’s room.
2. We live in a simulation and the periodic opening my drawers is a glitch in the matrix.
3. Microscopic mice live inside the drawers and open them to listen to my conversations and pass back information on humans to the Head of Microscopic Mice Security.
4. There is an invisible student snubbed by the housing lottery currently living in my room.
5. I am part of an experiment and I’m secretly being assessed to see how long it takes a person to descend into insanity. Not long.
6. All of this is a hallucination. I’ve dreamt everything after my eighth birthday.
7. My roommate secretly has the power to move at the speed of light and is behind it all.

As I write this the drawer of my desk slowly opens to reveal a pigeon blinking up at me, with a miniature version of my own dorm room inside the desk, and then the drawer of his desk opens to reveal a cockroach with his own version, and so on into oblivion. Then I look up, I, too, am inside the drawer of someone’s desk.

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