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Finals Week Horoscope

Not sure how the next week is going to pan out? Bwogger and proud user of Co―Star Miyoki Walker is here to help.

Your strong desire for adventure (i.e. leaving campus) will be tested this week. With break just around the corner, you’ll find it hard to stay focused. Take a break and don’t sweat it.

You’ll have a strong urge to punch the guy on your floor who didn’t hold the elevator for you. Don’t do it.

You’ll go to Morton Williams for Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, but they’re all out. You’ll have to settle for regular Ruffles. Please take a moment to reflect on the choices that brought you here.

You will run into Jonah Hill walking his dog downtown. Don’t ask for pictures, though,  or he’ll throw his hot coffee in your face.

You will be plagued with boredom this week even though you could be doing something productive. Nevermind productivity, get out of your comfort zone and try something new. Maybe go for the vegan bar at Ferris instead of the weekly lo-mein and popcorn shrimp.

Stop procrastinating! Buy that fancy (and prohibited) tea kettle for your dorm room NOW.

After 6 cups of coffee, you’ll start to hallucinate and Danny Devito will appear before you as a genie. Be careful what you wish for.

Tears can be great for the skin. This week, cry it out in public with no shame!

You’ll wonder why no one’s paying attention to you this week. It’s actually because everyone was put on a spaceship to Mars while you were in the bathroom.

I’m a Virgo and my CoStar says “be careful when operating heavy machinery.” Take from that what you will.

Do the laundry that’s been piled up in the hamper for 3.5 weeks. You’ll thank me later.

Practice self-care and refuse to be perceived this week. You deserve it.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

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