Staff Writer Victoria Borlando found a cat scurrying through campus, and she had a thought.
A rat scurries across the courtyard – a normal sight. Yet, not far behind, four paws and a tail emerge from the bushes. Behold! A cat on Columbia’s campus!
This is not a typical “What if?” post. This is an eye-witness account of seeing a cat chasing a mouse on campus. In fact, I have seen this cat (or maybe more than one, I hope) multiple times in the late hours of the night. Yet, whenever I tell people I’ve seen a cat stalking the campus grounds at night, I am met with disbelief! How could a cat possibly be on campus? Thus, I have concluded that Columbia forbids student knowledge about the cats, and the cats are secretly held within campus in order to ethically attack the rats.
Here is my theory: Columbia University is located next to the 1 subway station that stops on 116th street. Since subway stations are infested with those chubby, gray, potentially gifted at making a God-tier plate of fettuccine alfredo rats, I can safely assume that at least two have climbed up the stairs at some point and reached either John Jay, Wallach, or Butler (based on photographic evidence). Then, we can argue that the two rats happened to be in love and gave birth to more rats. So, we have a good, wholesome rat family hanging around a popular area for freshmen. These nocturnal rats have everything: two dining halls, a good amount of lighting at night (enough to see the path but still won’t disrupt their sleep), and a lack of people on the paths during the week. Therefore, this rat family had a perfect living situation, making them happier and more willing to expand the family tree.
But, why are we talking about rats? Shouldn’t we be talking about cats? Fret not; the rats are crucial to this theory because Columbia University staff needed a reason to adopt these fluffy predators. Listen, if two rats climbed up to Columbia’s campus, and rats have an average of birthing 6-14 babies in a period of 21-22 days, AND we provided the perfect living conditions for these creatures, then we know that we have accidentally created an overpopulated, underground society of rodents. Thus, we NEED the cats to save us from rats avoiding the room and board fee that the rest of us are going into debt for. Columbia University adopted at least one cat so that no one, human or rat, gets free housing, and we don’t have to spend money on unethical rat poison (PETA would sue us, thus wasting more money).
But where are they keeping the cat during the day? Surely if the cat was just an outdoor cat, everyone would know about it (and try to pet it)! Based on my gathered evidence of eye-witness accounts and reports of suspicious behavior, I am proposing the following location as the domicile of the secret cat.
On August 25, 2019, at approximately 1:00 AM, I saw the cat run across from Hartley to John Jay to catch a rat – confirming that the cat is only unleashed at nighttime to fulfill its duties. Based on location alone, as well as repeated sightings of rats, we can assume that the cat must be in the general vicinity of John Jay, Wallach, Hartley, and Hamilton. Next, on a dinner trip to JJ’s a week later, as a young, ignorant first year overwhelmed by mozzarella sticks, I forgot the exit of the dining hall and accidentally went up the wrong flight of stairs. Yet, when told to come back down, I sensed a sense of desperation in the staffer’s voice, a sense that the door I was about to open had something forbidden behind it.
Think about it: a forbidden door in JJ’s, the location of JJ’s, the continuous sightings of rats outside John Jay (where JJ’s resides) – there are too many consistencies for the rat-killing cat NOT to live in the upper floor in the staff-only section of JJ’s.
Thus, Columbia University is solving the rat problem by adopting a cat (that they don’t have to spend money on food for) to go out at night and chase the rats to their deaths. The lack of student knowledge is to keep the cat focused on its job rather than being petted constantly, and this whole scheme was designed to save money on rat poison, on room and board, and on food resources.
If you or a loved one have seen a cat roaming around John Jay at night, please contact us at email@example.com.
Your Rats. Hand ‘Em Over via catstolove