Staff writer Olivia Mitchell pulls out her spectacles to observe and analyze the types of people you see walking back from their hookups at 3 am. 

  • The Scholar
    • Can’t tell if they’re coming back from Butler or someone’s dorm
    • Huge backpack, half-open, with notebooks spilling out
    • Eye bags for days
    • Wearing round black glasses, kinda fogged up
    • Shaking, just a little bit
    • Holding a Columbia Dining coffee cup, most likely filled with 4-hour old John Jay coffee or Red Bull
    • Dead inside
  • The Jock
    • Wearing some kind of Columbia sports sweatshirt, probably lightweight rowing
    • Sweatshirt hood up to hide their bedhead
    • Shoes on the wrong feet, only halfway on
    • Drinking water out of a generic aluminum bottle that also probably says Columbia lightweight rowing
    • Also wearing silver Nike basketball shorts with a mysterious stain on one of the thighs
    • Has practice in 3 hours
  • The Doomsday Prepper
    • Carrying a tote bag filled with everything you will ever need, including two sizes of condoms, tissues, and one of those samples of organic vegan lube you can get from Primary Care
    • Holding a half-empty Hydroflask
    • Wearing three layers of clothes, one for every 10 degrees below freezing
    • The only person on College Walk wearing a jacket and scarf
    • Hair freshly brushed in a way that’s almost obvious
    • Definitely knew this was happening
  • The Disgrace
    • Not an actual disgrace, but they feel like one internally
    • Was plastered, now just lightly buzzed
    • Eyes glazed over; coming to terms with what they just did
    • Walking back from EC, but did they start there? Who knows
    • Definitely just combed through their hair with their fingers
    • Stole a half-empty plastic water bottle from the desk of whomever’s dorm they were in
    • Planning on going to Koronet’s, not yet aware that it closed an hour prior
  • The Catastrophe
    • Hair thrown into a real messy bun using a hair tie they found on the McBain bathroom floor
    • Wearing black vans, no socks
    • Huge sweatshirt, drawstrings missing
    • Rapidly gulping water from a huge Nalgene that is also most likely covered in stickers
    • Walking towards Morton Williams to buy overpriced cranberry juice
    • Will be skipping their 10 am econ course for the 3rd time in a row tomorrow morning
    • Did not know this was happening

Image via Public Domain