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Bwog » Absolute Bagels: A UWS Paradise

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Absolute Bagels: A UWS Paradise

Your one-stop shop for metaphysical euphoria.

Scenes from Absolute Bagels: 11:30 am, Saturday, Feb. 22. 

The line stretches out the door; it’s cold but sunny. The man in front of me in line, who “Ha!”ed when I remarked out loud that I want to be less spiteful in life, asks if it’s cash only. He didn’t know, and doesn’t have cash, but wants to bring a surprise for his friend, visiting from London, who loves these bagels. I wonder if “friend” is a euphemism for “lover” or “crush.” I have $5 extra and pay for an everything bagel with vegetable cream cheese for him, and he Venmos me $4.30. He lives around the corner but had never been inside the place and is delighted at how fast the line moves. I brought an oat milk latte from Oren’s in my travel mug; I sit at a table with my bagel, plain, toasted with lox spread.

I marvel at the tiny feet of a baby, being carried by the father (presumably) in a baby carrier. Such tiny feet. The baby is wearing a tiny puffer coat with penguins on it that says “j’suis pas un lapin.” Oh, to be a baby with tiny feet and a puffer penguin jacket and a pacifier being carried in a baby carrier at Absolute Bagels at noon on a sunny February Saturday!

A couple with a stroller tries to squeeze it between my seat and the table behind me. I move my table forward and scoot in to create some space; the couple thanks me. This baby is slightly bigger; big enough for solid food. The mother had dug a hole in her bagel and I was wondering who would eat bagels in such a deranged manner until I saw that she was feeding little pieces to the baby in the stroller.

I spot little girls with their fathers, or perhaps grandfathers. One little girl is sitting imperiously on her father or grandfather’s shoulders, pointing at the menu and yelling gleefully. The line is still out the door, but it moves fast because most people know the drill and do not hold up the line. My plain bagel with lox spread is heavenly with Oren’s oat latte. Gushes of cold wind intersperse my bagel brunch as people enter and leave. I think about rat poop.

Absolute Bagels via Bwog Archives

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