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How To Sneak Into Lerner Hall

Bwog staffer Will Lyman has made it his life goal to sneak into the elusive Lerner Hall undetected. Today, he shares his story.

Over the weekend, in an attempt to avoid any semblance of schoolwork, I binged two whole seasons of the 2005 criminal drama Prison Break. During a 5pm breakfast trip to Ferris, I observed Lerner hall in action. Channeling the genius of Michael Scofield, I have devised a detailed plan to compromise the security defenses of the building. While the latter was in a passionate attempt to free his innocent brother from death-row in a maximum security prison, unearthing a conspiracy that went to the very top, I aim to sneak into Lerner for no reason at all despite having access to the building with a swipe.

 

Here are the top seven ways to sneak into Lerner Hall:

  1. Acquire nut butter, coat yourself with it, slide out of a Carman window and break through the roof. 
    1. Yes, it’s simple, but it’s effective.
  2. Kidnap a child. Pretend as if you are a prospective parent. Attend an info session in the auditorium. 
  3. Phase through the big windows using teleportation
  4. Dress business casual. Wait outside Roone Arledge Auditorium. 
    1. What event is today? Columbia Dentistry Gingivitis Mixer and Career Fair? SURE! If you act like you know what you’re doing, nobody will doubt that you do. 
  5. Find a large board, have it fall on you, become Flat Stanley. Snake your way through the revolving door.
    1. With this method, you can also get back into your room if you lost your ID card :)
  6. Jump the turnstile
    1. Be sure to keep an eye out for the public safety, who have recently cracked down on fare evasion.
  7. Pretend you’re rich and act as if you are about to buy something from the bookstore, maybe a decorative mug. Pull a spin move and shoot through the wall into the Lerner party space. Interrupt whatever class is meeting there now.

Photo via Bwog archives

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