To start, we have to acknowledge three things:

  1. I never thought I would watch The Bachelor or any of its spinoffs: The Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad, Bachelor: Winter Games, and Bachelor in Paradise. In fact, I actively made fun of my friends for watching them.
  2. I have come to see the error of my ways. The Bachelor is the best show on television.
  3. This season, however, sucks ass. Peter is a terrible bachelor and I do not believe that anyone on this season actually wants to get married. If you changed literally anything about it, it would improve. So why not just move it to Columbia?

Night One:

25 girls have to find creative ways to exit the 116th st. subway station. They individually meet the Bachelor, who is some nondescript white guy definitely not still in love with his ex. The dress code is black-tie gala at John Jay. Seniors can toast with free beer from Baker, as a treat. Seven girls go home because they don’t know anyone on the frat house stoop.

Group Date: 

The Bachelor must have mad connections because everyone gets dinner at Ferris together at 7 PM and there’s enough room for a dozen people. He keeps leaving to go to a two-person table right next to the contestants, while everyone fights for a spot just like at actual Ferris. Someone trips down the winding stairs and everyone has an over-dramatic reaction. The group date rose goes to Maddie from Sigma Apple Pie, who gets a swipe in and a free mint from the Bachelor.


During the day, the Bachelor and Becky from Kappa Kappa Kappa go down to Chinatown to get dim sum at Nom Wah Tea Parlor, where they coincidentally get seated right away. No one is seen eating. PrezBo’s weather machine means that the night is clear and so they go to the Pupin observatory for the night portion of the date. Becky shares all her trauma at once and she and the Bachelor make out after he thanks her for being so genuine and real.


The Bachelor brings Becky and Jessica, the villain of the season, to the Broadway Median Strip for a discussion. After confronting Jessica over her bad op-ed, the Bachelor gives her the rose and leaves with her anyway because drama = ratings. Becky is abandoned on the Median Strip waiting for the light to change.

Final Rose 

The Bachelor and his final two, Maddie and Addie, travel to the exotic location of the Lamont-Doherty Earth Observatory. Addie gets off the shuttle first and you know it’s over for her. She pours her heart out to the Bachelor just to get rejected, but it’s OK because she already got into grad school and actually has a future. Maddie gets off next and the Bachelor says he knew she was the one from the way she beat the other girls to the front of the Diana sandwich line. They become that weird couple that gets engaged in like, sophomore year. They get married at graduation and Deantini (the host) officiates. Oh, and Becky is next season’s Bachelorette after finally crossing Broadway.

all of this would be reserved for the Bachelor via Bwog Archives