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Gifts To Buy Your Last-Minute Valentine

With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, Bwog helps you find gifts for your maybe-hookup, maybe-date, maybe-someone-in-between.

Sometimes a hookup should stay just that: a hookup, but with the Big Day approaching, everybody and their Tinder date is feeling the pressure. Should you get them a gift? What if they don’t get you a gift, then you seem too attached. But if they get you a gift and you show up empty-handed, you seem cold. For every person stuck in that weird in-between stage, here are some non-commital gifts that scream “we are not exclusive but I would like to continue having sex”, all readily available at your local MoHi establishments.

At CVS you can find a respectable selection of capitalistic love. These tiny helium balloons – so sweet, so noncommittal! If they pop, it’s a metaphor. You can get your date this soulless staring bear. Or maybe a fake potted flower that inexplicably says “Come n Get Your Love”? And if you’re feeling classy, CVS sells definitely-very-high-quality jewelry.

You wander down towards the inferior pharmacy: Duane Reade. Nobody knows how this is different from Walgreens, but at this point, we’re all too afraid to ask. Luckily, their sub-par quality shines through in the Valentine’s day department. Nothing screams “you’re cool, but not that cool” like a $5 bottle of wine (take your pick – red or rose!). Of course, nothing pairs with wine like ~fresh~ roses, straight from the garden.

But maybe fine dining is more your taste. Saunter down to Westside, where you can try a number of delicious, gourmet treats. You’ve seen Lady and the Tramp and so has your date. There is nothing more casually romantic than a bowl of spaghetti – you can even nudge the last meatball at them with your nose! For dessert, nothing tops a classic: Red Jello In A Large Cup. If you’re feeling fancier, a $2 cupcake is also acceptable, or, forgo the meal entirely and have Soylent™️. It’s an entire meal in a bottle, and it’s strawberry flavored!

If you want a stranger, yet somehow classier meal, you could stop by Milano. They have chicken orzo soup (sexy!), pre-packaged chicken liver mousse (exotic!), along with an entire smoked salmon and an entire block of cheese. For dessert, you can pick up some organic white chocolate peanut butter (because this exists now for some reason) or another classic: Red Jello In A UFO Shape.

You could turn to University Housewares – after all, nothing says “I appreciate you” like a nice, practical gift. There, you could get a comically large pepper grinder (normal salt shaker for scale), or diet orange soda stream syrup (bonus points if your date does not own a soda stream). You could get cheetah-print duct tape and make your date a duct tape rose, just like middle school, or a portable poncho (who doesn’t need that!). If worst comes to worst, they sell giant bags of steel wool, which is just kinda cool.

The final frontier is Morton Williams. The classic Columbia grocery store, it always has your back, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised this time around: nothing says “I like you enough to hook up with but not to post pics on Instagram” like smushed cupcakes, Morton sushi, and White Claws (just the black cherry).

If you really are strapped for cash, there are a few hidden free options on Broadway. Bwog recommends the potted plant in front of Dig Inn (half a Starbucks coffee included), and the stickers off of the E’s wall (RIP), for both nostalgic and ~zany indie~ vibes.

Images via myself

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