Being on campus and shopping for groceries are kinda weird experiences right now… but also somehow not really as weird as you’d expect, given the circumstances. Here is a revised ranking of MoHi grocery stores (not including the ones I haven’t been to), based on how they’re coping with coronavirus.

5. Westside

I have not actually been inside, but I have seen the line stretching outside and almost wrapping around the corner. You’d think it was a Soho Whole Foods or something. Simmer down, people. Yes, fresh fruit probably would be the first thing to run out in the apocalypse, but I don’t think we’re quite there yet.

Also, idiots, standing six fucking inches away from a bunch of other humans in a long line and a crowded grocery store is not a good way to behave in a pandemic! Pull it together.

4. Duane Reade

Toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and rubbing alcohol? Totally cleaned out. Fucking normal ass soap is still in stock though, apparently, which does not reflect well on the consumers. Wash your hands, you absolute fools. And while we’re at it, the candy section is pretty well picked over, but the next store on this list has plenty of healthy foods that seem frankly a little overstocked!

3. Morton Williams

A little short on cleaning products and toilet paper, but everything else seems fine… except for how crowded it is during the day. Those are narrow aisles! Do better than just putting up one sad little sign asking people to stand far enough away from each other, guys. Those customers who are very smart with great brains and are definitely not just crazed insomniacs would be wise to simply go at 3 AM, when nothing but birdsong and ambulance sirens can be heard as evidence that one single other living entity is awake.

2. HamDel

Looking at their stock, it’s like nothing’s changed. That could be comforting or alarming, depending on how you look at it, but I’m glad overworked staff at Mt. Sinai will have somewhere to go get snacks, at least.

1. Hartley Pharmacy

They still have toilet paper, y’all. Shit is insane. And the pharmacists are just as nice as they’ve always been, even with the world collapsing around us all.