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Supermarket Run-In Survival Guide

News Editor Lauren Kahme, delves into the many uncomfortable situations you will inevitably encounter in your local supermarket over the course of this semester.

Newsflash! We’re supposed to be socially isolating. Many of our peers have vacated their dorms and fled to some semblance of “home.” Specifically for those returning to the place where they grew up, this time can feel akin to an alternate universe where we are reliving high school, sans live classes. The social setting of having my childhood friends in such close proximity personally teleported me back to my high school days…and I’m horrified. 

I’ve compiled a list of the cringiest, saddest, and downright oddest kinds of people you will probably see at the supermarket during this pandemic semester. 

Your ex-significant other

The most obviously, purely inevitable circumstance. I mean, you dated for however long and you run in the same geographical circles, right? You have two options when you see them; the first would be to avert your eyes and pretend to be really invested in the caloric identity of the poptarts right next to you until they pass. The other option is to be mature, suck it up, and say hello. Either way, you have my thoughts and prayers through this cringy time. 

Your ex one night stand

This is someone you would try to avoid in high school, let alone the supermarket years later. However, my friend, it seems you have no other option but to face them since now they have smiled at you in the way that only someone who recognized you would. They approach and try to make conversation and catch up with you, but eventually you both realize you have nothing in common…and probably never did. Except for physical attraction and curiosity. Both of those feelings are gone now, so this isn’t the worst of the supermarket encounters. You’ll be fine!

Your current hookup prospect

 

Mainly, if you think you may run into that hometown cutie from tinder in your supermarket, it would be wise to change out of the pajamas you’ve had on for three days. It’s certainly a look, but it’s not exactly the look you want to be wearing when you have a hookup in sight. This could actually be a positive encounter! You won’t get to spend time with them until social distancing is no longer required or recommended, so giving this prospective hookup a preview of your hot self in the aisles of your local supermarket will surely keep the spark aflame. 

Your favorite high school teacher

This one is more shameful than anything else. You’re not the student they once knew. Honestly, you’re tired, and this state of affaris is not helping you feel extra scholarly and academically inclined. You say a brief hello, but you’ll probably leave checkout feeling slightly empty. It’s bittersweet to think about how you have changed, but remember all the ways in which you have grown, too. 

Your ex best friend

Oof. This one is the cursed of all supermarket experiences. You can’t even remember why you stopped being friends at this point, but you recognize the burning in your chest. It’s awkward and disheartening. The two routes this could take are reconciliation or avoidance. Treat this person similarly to how you treat your ex-S.O., and consider your options for courses of action the same between the two. 

Your current best friend

 

Give air hugs, air kisses, and air dab ups; bump elbows with them and plan for your feast when this is all over. Plan for your celebration of health and safety, but do so from six feet away so that day of celebration can come ASAP. 

Your Columbia classmate

 

You lock eyes in the frozen food aisle as you both begin to reach for the curly fries. They share your furrowed brow and solemn stare. Only one word is uttered out of your mouths as you simultaneously shed one singular tear each: “JJs.” Nothing else needs to be said, you only know this person through seven degrees of mutual friends, and you both walk away with sentiments of nostalgia and longing broiling in your chest. May we all cherish our campus and JJs with grand vigor and gusto whenever we return to Morningside Heights. 

Supermarket Via Wikimedia Commons

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