Worried you’re being haunted? You could be—Columbia has lots of ghosts. Luckily, Bwog knows how to deal with the supernatural, and we’re here to help.

1. Confirm you are being haunted, not just getting absolutely owned by corporeal entities.

You might just have mice, or very mischievous friends. No one wants to go through a bunch of work to get rid of a haunting only to find out it was just some beings with physical bodies dunking on them. Just absolutely being utterly fucking destroyed by physical forces and normal matter.

2. Destroy items you think could be holding ghosts.

Does that piece of paper look like the kind of piece of paper that a ghost could use as a hat? Better burn it. There’s no strict criteria to determine what’s a ghost host, just destroy what you feel. Could be your stuff, could be your roommate’s stuff. Could be your roommate’s AirPods. Could be that if they spend a lot of time unsuccessfully looking for their AirPods, the ghost will have a sensible chuckle and be appeased. Could be.

3. Move.

This one is obvious and it never works in horror movies. Try it if you want, but, like… come on. You’re just gonna bump into your ghost in Ferris on Tuesday. Small campus.

4. Have sex with your ghost.

Your ghost might just be horny. You never know. In general, ghosts are very sexy, so even if they’re haunting you for other reasons, it could be worth asking if they’d be down. Interestingly, most of the Grindr profiles around MoHi actually just belong to demons and vengeful spirits of the wronged. They’re out there looking and they’ll show you the time of your life (and maybe also the date and manner of your death)!

5. Sneak into St. John’s and steal some holy water.

I’m not going to tell you where they keep it, you’ll figure it out. Just spritz it around the room and your haunting will end. If this isn’t an option for you, you can also just get a priest to piss on you, it’s basically the same.

6. Seek pharmaceuticals.

Bwog doesn’t endorse the use of illegal drugs (Just! Say! No!), but many people have been saying (many, many people have been telling me, I don’t know) that ketamine kills ghosts.

Image via Bwog archives