Otherwise known as Staff Writer Victoria Borlando’s “I think these things are very Columbia.”

Hear, ye! Hear, ye! We have officially entered the last full month of the spring 2020 semester! Today we celebrate not only the seniors for achieving great things but Columbia in general…and by “Columbia” I mean things/people completely unrelated to Columbia that still embody our core values.

Now, I know what you may be thinking: Why all the cheer? New York City is in shambles, we’ve spent almost a full month away from our friends and professors, JJ’s mozz sticks are almost completely inaccessible, and the commencement ceremony has been canceled. How can we possibly remain positive?

Think of it this way: if you’re reading this article, you’re still alive. You’re logging onto Zoom and “participating” in class, so that means you’re getting credit. And with this academic year coming to a close, you will have successfully passed yet another year of school. For the seniors: you get a diploma! That’s so fucking cool! I’m so proud of you! With all the reasons mentioned above, this is a cause for celebration!

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Thus, today on the 10th of April 2020, with the power invested in Zwog (Zoom Bwog), we hereby bestow upon these esteemed people with honorary diplomas from Columbia University:

FOR EXHIBITING A BEGINNER’S MIND (WHEN NO ONE TOLD THEM TO):

• Brian David Gilbert – Known for his “Unraveled” series on the Polygon YouTube channel, this man has more knowledge and skills from Frontiers of Science than anyone else who actually took the class. His videos are all BOE calculations, and they all seem to follow the formula taught to us. He sets his parameters, makes good assumptions, demonstrates his excellent estimation skills, and has fun while doing it! And guess what? He’s a creative writing major! His versatile skills in researching, doing math, and critical reasoning aptly conveys his Beginner’s Mind. To be honest, he’s more “Columbia” than I am (probably because he can do math)… Diploma for BDG!
• Lana Del Rey – References to 1950s America, Norman Rockwell, architecture, geography of the state of California, musicians, classic novels…Looks like someone paid attention in her Core classes and combined all her knowledge into a musical masterpiece! Also, Norman Fucking Rockwell! is a timeless album that opened the Third Eye of both Lana and the world. Give her a diploma, already! No, actually…hand her a master’s too. It’s what she deserves.
• Everyone who did a Tik Tok where They Just Read Funny Tweets – Listen, Hawthorne copied Washington Irving’s writing style before developing his own. Newton used Galileo’s work to come up with his own. These people are just on the first step of the creative process! Give them a diploma; see how they’re going to be actually really funny in the future!
• The movie My Neighbor Totoro – An excellent film about childhood, magic, cute animals, and having a good time! This movie has a Beginner’s Mind because it combines so many themes and, with Studio Ghibli’s art style and animation skills, portrays a beautiful story. And that’s what Deantini advertised about this ‘Beginner’s Mind’ stuff, right? Combining all these skills? Anyway, give this movie all the awards, including a diploma.
• The “Come On, Eileen” Dance Scene from Perks of Being a Wallflower – This scene changed me as a person, and quite frankly, the world as well. This scene is the definition of “galaxy brain.” It’s related to Beginner’s Mind because it’s transcending education and holistic knowledge in some way (that way was Logan Lerman, also known as a man way too hot to be playing a 14-year old).

FOR BEST CAPTURING THE COLUMBIA SPIRIT OF THE STUDENT BODY:

• King Princess – She says she harbors the “proletariat rage” but is, in reality, really fucking rich. She’d fit right in!
• Gavrilo Princip – He studied his whole life to kill one guy and almost failed at it. Then when he succeeded, against all odds, the world went to shit. This is how every graduating senior felt when school got cancelled right before their graduation. A total F, if I do say so myself. On the plus side, maybe Franz Ferdinand (the band) might write a total banger kind of about you.
• Matty Healy’s* (The 1975) “Where are my rights as an atheist?” speech – pretty self-explanatory, but sometimes taking one CC class on texts specifically from the Enlightenment Era makes you think you’re too reasonable to believe in a god. You still got a B- on your analysis, though.
• Gal Gadot – Singing a song during this time of crisis has about as much weight in activism as a sign with a “This is the Bad Place!” meme during a protest. Fucking exquisite, Gadot. You’ve got the spirit!
• The Woodpecker that Pecks on My Window Every Morning at 9:00 AM – Relentlessly working toward a goal, waking up at the same time everyday to maintain a schedule, not seeing the end results because an angry person aggressively shoos them away? That’s Columbia, baby! We may be annoying as fuck notifying every one of our Facebook friends with the latest change.org petition, but at least we’re working on our goals, right…? Right?!? Anyway, sure, why not; give this dumbass a diploma.

FOR BEING AN INTEGRAL PART TO THE COLUMBIA COMMUNITY:

• The State of New Jersey – A lot of people I know that go to CU are from New Jersey. How do you have so many people in one state? The population density fascinates me, and frankly, so does New Jersey itself. Diploma!
• The @zoom_university Instagram Account – Giving us merch, Tik Toks, and the feeling that it’s run by Columbia students in this time of need. Thank you for your service; here’s a diploma.
• Tom’s Restaurant – Who knew a diner from a popular TV show from the 90s would feel like home, even if I only ate there once in my entire life? I didn’t even watch Seinfeld, and I would still die for Tom’s. I miss you, Tom’s! Have a diploma in my memory and please wait for our return!
• Karl Marx – Just give him a diploma, already! It’s not like Columbia students have seriously read and/or wanted to read any other goddamn book.

And, of course, as we did before, we must also recognize the people who, though not directly influencing the culture and growth of Columbia University, deserve an honorable mention for making the world a more interesting place:

• The Song “Chateau (Feel Alright)” by Djo
• Gordon Ramsey’s Tik Tok Account
• Nathaniel Hawthorne
• Colin Firth (naturally)
• The #untiltomorrow challenge
• The first “Bella Ciao” scene in La Casa de Papel, also known as the best scene in television history
• Archduke Franz Ferdinand (and the absolute banger written kind of about him)

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And thus, Bwog welcomes the Class of 2020!

*Matty Healy is a pretty cool person and has done loads of good things in the music industry and the world (and all his songs are bops). I just thought this one video was just…hmmm…hghnh… But, don’t worry; he’s fine with being pretentious. Also, he’s fine ;)

Mamma Mia! Here I Go Again via Bwog Archives