Technology is mystifying but it’s no match for flatulence.

The emergence of Zoom as a remote learning tool has taken the world by storm and revolutionized academia as we know it. Students from around the globe can learn together from their bedroom and connect with professors through video conferencing and chat. Do I sound like a Zoom advertisement yet?

Gen Z is a technologically savvy generation. I mean, we singlehandedly created Charli D’Amelio—need I say more? Regardless of our digital prowess, we still struggle sometimes to understand the ins and outs of new platforms. When it comes to Zoom, the mute button is our Achilles’ heel. We’ve all heard some pretty tragic Zoom interjections in these past weeks, but for myself, they’ve mostly consisted of personal conversations, awkward interactions between students and their families, and maybe the occasional scream. The worst muting mistake happens when your body betrays you. I am referring to the fart.

Bodily functions overcome us when we least expect it. The innocent Jane Doe taking notes quietly while unmuted goes unnoticed for most of the class. Some may realize she forgot to mute herself, but they let it slide, for she is respectful and reserved and clearly has not recognized her mistake. Then, the inevitable happens. It starts out with a few sniffles and maybe a cough that causes her name to flash on the screen. The entire class is now aware of her muting mistake. Jane continues taking notes, still unaware of her lack of privacy. Finally, it happens. The fart resounds through the room and crosses the boundaries of time and space. It resonates through the interwebs, reaching the ears of her classmates on all seven continents of the globe. Jane Doe let one rip, and we all heard it.

If you are Jane Doe, or know a Jane Doe, or have been Jane Doe in the past, or want to avoid being Jane Doe in the future, follow these steps:

  1. Promptly leave the call. Don’t even try to mute yourself and act like it didn’t happen. Your $75,000 education is not worth this humiliation. You farted! Academics don’t pass gas.
  2. Uninstall Zoom from your computer. Leave no trace.
  3. Call Sian or Lee and tell them you are dropping out.
  4. Pay the $75 fee.
  5. Start the Chloe Ting 2-week shred Tik Tok fitness challenge to feel a sense of purpose in your life after abandoning all academic pursuits.

In all seriousness, I will never judge a person who farts on Zoom. I fart, you fart, Madison Beer farts, and that kid who never turns on his camera or microphone probably farts the entire class. Just mute yourself.

Image via Bwog Staff