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What The Placement of People On Zoom Actually Means

It’s taken months of research and data compiling but staffer Daniel Ortega-Venni thinks he has finally cracked the code behind Zoom’s seemingly random gallery view.

Is it alphabetical? Is it sorted by age? Is it trying to tell you something about your life and your future? Obviously, the third one seems the most likely. Now, put Zoom into gallery mode and let’s get cracking!

1st person that isn’t you or your teacher: This is the person you’ve secretly had a crush on this entire semester. Don’t try to deny it, Zoom knows you’ve been paying more attention to this person than what’s on the board and that’s why they’re up so high.

2nd person that isn’t you or your teacher: Zoom is trying to warn you here – if you interact with this person (or continue to interact with them), they will spread a vicious career-ending rumor about you. Better sever ties now before this turns ugly.

3rd person: Hate to give away the surprise, but this person has a tremendous crush on you. Now, obviously, you’re taken (in your mind, by the other person mentioned above), but there’s no reason why you can’t find it flattering, right?

4th person: This is the last Columbia-related person you will ever see in your life. One day, years from now, when you’re retired, you’ll bump into them and spend five minutes wondering why they look so familiar. This is why – make a note of them now!

5th person: This person is going to be your boss. They might not even be pursuing the same major as you, but through some twisted turn of events, you’re going to be working under them. Great time to get on their good side!

6th person: This person is considering having a one-night stand with your closest Columbia friend. Give them a once-over and decide if you’re willing to let your friend endure this – if not, warn them as soon as possible.

7th person: You’re going to have a sweet moment at graduation with this person, even if you don’t really know them. They might even turn out to be the last-minute college romance you never thought you would have! (Yeah, sorry person #1 isn’t going to work out.)

8th person: This person is going to break something of yours at some point. Hate to break it to you (ooh, nice pun) – better safeguard all your valuables if you ever see them again (and do NOT invite them to your room).

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