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Protocols For Private Messaging People On Zoom

How else am I supposed to find people to complain about my classes to?

Growing up, my mom always told me not to make friends online. “They could be serial killers!” she would say. And though the same logic might remain applicable, our culture has completely embraced making friends online. And, especially when all classes are held via Zoom, finding online friends in your classes is really the only option. So, how do we make friends as first-years or reconnect with past acquaintances as upperclassmen? The answer lies in Zoom’s private messaging feature (sorry Google Hangout users). And, as long as you don’t mix up the private messages from the not-so-private messages, you just might be able to make a new friend (or not)!  Luckily, I’ve compiled a general list of the type of people you should message and those you most definitely should not as guidance:

That guy from that frat from last weekend who posted a philosophical quote on his Instagram story to justify his political views: 

Yeah, sure. While you’re at it, ask him why he thinks he can sway all 193 of his followers via an app owned by Facebook.

That girl who cut you in the breakfast line at Hewitt that one morning:

Absolutely. If you still remember “the incident”, then you’re obviously dealing with unresolved conflict. However, make sure to find their profile first. That way, when they read your confrontational message asking whether getting those scrambled eggs thirty seconds sooner was worth, you can watch their face redden and frantically survey the screen for your face.

The friend you made on Facebook before classes started only to later ghost her:

You’ll be lucky she doesn’t private message you first! Keep your camera off.

The professor:

 This is only acceptable if you unmute yourself in the middle of lecture and announce, “Professor, I sent you a private message”. Not only will everyone else be jealous that they themselves didn’t receive a private message from you, but they will also be so concerned with the contents, they’ll befriend you just to know what you wrote! They’ll also be super jealous that you seemingly have a close enough relationship with the professor by the forth week of school that you can ask them something specific to you in the middle of class. Note that this works best in a 300+ person lecture the day before an exam.

Literally anyone with bright LED lights going off in the middle of the day:

Just beg them to turn their camera off. Beg.

That girl on your floor sophomore year who was always blasting Harry Styles:

Depends. If it looks like she’s cut and dyed her hair multiple times since March, then no. Otherwise, sure (but if she mentions “Watermelon Sugar” within the first three messages: abort).

That person sporting a shirt that featuring favorite artist:

You will try to, only to find out the professor has disabled private messaging. And, in the same amount of time it takes me to click the “Leave Meeting” button, a friendship has died before it’s begun.

virtual friendships via Bwog Archives

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