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Ranking Famous Alumni By How Insane They’ve Been During The Pandemic

Have celebrities lost their minds? Professional tabloid reader and Twitter user Miyoki Walker has taken it upon herself to answer the question by ranking famous alumni behavior during the quarantine. 

8. Jake Gyllenhaal

As we all know, Jake Gyllenhaal is generally pretty out there. His eyes bulge out of his head to an abnormal degree and his tumultuous love triangle with Nicki Minaj and Tom Holland shocked the world. Weirdly enough, other than rocking a messy bun and posting an Instagram #TBT that clearly referenced Taylor Swift’s All Too Well, Jake’s actually been pretty normal. He’s also really committed to the Broadway singing thing, but I am not ready to comment on that.

7. Alicia Keys  

You won’t be shocked to hear that Alicia Keys is still singing, still not wearing makeup, and still making sure we haven’t forgotten either of these things. I have nothing against Alicia Keys, but I can’t shake the feeling that something sinister is going on behind all her positivity.

6. Amelia Earhart 

She’s still lost, which is kind of silly of her.

5. Sean Taro Ono Lennon

Admittedly, Sean Lennon hasn’t been up to much, but who the fuck knew he went to Columbia for three semesters? He was majoring in Anthropology but dropped out to tour with Yoko? He met his partner when she was 17 and he was 29—insert “When I Saw Her Standing There” lyrics—? Why hasn’t he spoken out…there are so many questions…

4. Bari Weiss

Bari Weiss finally resigned from the New York Times, but she’s still up to the same bullshit as always—loving free speech until it’s used to criticize her. I guess, by her standards, she hasn’t been particularly crazy, but I refuse to put her any lower on the list. 

3. Barack Obama

Obama crawled out of his war-criminal hole to convince NBA players not to strike. That’s funny, because I thought he loved strikes. Hate to bring back an unbearably dumb 2012 Facebook meme but thanks, Obama. 

2. Warren Buffet

According to Forbes, Warren Buffet managed to make about 107.1 billion more dollars in the first three months of the pandemic. And he still hasn’t died. What a drag. 

1. Meghan McCain

In one of my favorite celebrity pandemic mishaps, Meghan McCain tweeted after some of the riots that Manhattan was, “eviscerated and looks like a war zone,” even though she was not there and it was not. She was also pregnant for a full nine months, only to name her baby “Liberty Sage.” Just smile and nod y’all. 

Photo courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons

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1 Comment

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous it’s good to have miyoki back

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