Pandemic got you down? To boost your spirits, look no further than one of many novel-length emails from PrezBo that show up unasked for in your inbox. Bwog has collected some of the most bolstering and entirely unfabricated snippets for your perusal.
In times of great struggle, such as the one we face now, many of us are lucky to have access to support systems and coping mechanisms to help buoy us. These might look like tapping into networks of family, friends, and colleagues, engaging in a creative discipline, taking up a new or old hobby, mindfulness, personal spirituality, or allocating one hour a week to release all of our pent up emotional energy through senseless weeping.
However, there is one source of structure and comfort that I and the rest of the Columbia community have come to rely on. This is, of course, the many three thousand word emails from Prezbo that we receive with joy and total comprehension. Here are some choice quotes:
“It is the Function and Purpose of universities not only to engage in the missions of research and education, but also in public service. Seriously and comprehensively, we build a community that serves the public, and also itself. This is a moment when support matters. We see you. Don’t forget. You. Matter. That being said…”
“To honor our community, let me make a reference to and extol the virtues of our most beloved library on campus, where everyone feels comfortable and at home, and has never, ever had an existential crisis: Butler. Butler, where we unearth deep knowledge, creating heuristic vectors in the relentless pursuit of pedagogy, magnify ourselves in concert with the epistemological tide, and where we each have never, ever felt the creeping hand of doom on our shoulders at 3 am on a Tuesday, as our faces fall mercilessly into our keyboards.”
“It is inherently noteworthy that we, the Columbia faculty and staff, look to you to stand in the spirit of strength, uniting academically to deal with agents of change and eliminate impediments, namely the car-sized tarantula problem on campus. Every year, we must face great challenges, like their enormous hairy legs and dagger-like teeth. This is the nature of being in one of the world’s most prestigious and selective institutions. We are looking for an answer. We will find an answer. In the meantime, no extensions will be granted.”
“Free speech is the cornerstone of democracy. When a nine-foot-tall voidwraith crawls out from under the sacred feet of Alma Mater, billowing shadows, covered in unblinking eyes and a hundred gaping maws, we must reject suppressive impulses, and welcome it in the spirit of open discourse. To not do so would not be consistent with our wide array of values as a nation. It is the unanimous decision of an unnamed committee to enter into rhetorical exchange with this creature, even as its presence blocks out the sun.”
“I am not just writing this in a personal capacity. No. More importantly, I’m doing it in an institutional one. I am the institution. The institution is me. There is no difference between it and myself. We are one unified being: perfect, unending, and incalculable. I have gone beyond human concerns. I have ascended. This is my Annunciation, let it be heard: We shall not be issuing refunds.”
Hope that helps? They certainly helped me. I think. No, they definitely helped. Really. I’m sure of it. Absolutely sure.
Voice of the masses via Bwog Archives