Do you ever think about ways Columbia could be better? The Bwog Staff does. Constantly. Here is a non-exhaustive list of shower thoughts. Admin, take notes!

  • It’s the same but we all wear wigs
  • Just spike the goddamn slushies at JJ’s
    • Save us the step
  • Fill the abandoned underground Barnard pool with 7,000,000,000,000 orbeez or, alternatively, every tear shed by a student ever
    • Early pool party for Barnard students ONLY
  • Make Introduction to Buoyant Boats a SEAS graduation requirement to even out the benefits (?) of the CC swim test
  • Rename all Barnard campus buildings to start with “Mil-” to confuse Columbia kids even more
    • Milarnard Hall
    • The Milquad
  • Harry Potter owls communication system 
    • But they are pigeons of course
  • Bridges from roof to roof instead of underground tunnels
  • Mac & cheese as a JJ’s staple
    • PLEASE I’M BEGGING
  • Destroy Butler
    • Use the money earned back to give every student their personal butler
  • Make taking more than one math class a semester illegal
  • Open a new dining hall that is made entirely out of gingerbread
  • Everyone has to carry their birth charts
    • Star sign targeted bullying
  • Columbia tunnels open again
    • Students might get lost, never to find the exit again, and resort to killing rats as a way to survive. Lord of the Flies sorta situation
    • Pro: new civilization created?
  • Low Steps descend all the way to hell
  • Pigeons are armed
    • With very tiny, pigeon appropriate guns
  • Earl Hall serves a purpose
  • Permanent name change to “c*lumbia university” so you can more easily find tweets about it
  • You’re given a major via sortition so no one can claim they’re smarter because they went into a STEM field
  • No men for at least 230 years
    • To make up for all the time women could not attend
  • Better costumes for Millie and Roaree
  • Making the Low Fountains look like real penises
    • Gross. But kinda funny!
  • Everyone gets a fireplace
  • Half of the libraries are eradicated
    • You know which half
  • Columbia University renamed Barnard University
    • Subverting the patriarchy is very cute
  • If you ever utter the sentence “Well you don’t actually go to Columbia” to anyone at any of the four schools the ground opens up beneath you and you re-appear at Columbia College of Chicago with an expulsion letter in hand   
  • Fire PrezBo, replace him with a cardboard cutout of Roger Rabbit
    • Shower the cutout with millions of dollars and a house it never uses.
  • Make it a musical
    • Roles will be raffled

Penis via Bwog Archive