To message or not to message- the eternal question…

(Before we begin, we would like to make it extremely clear that this is based on our own personal experiences and is no way effective for everyone. Especially as we are both completely inept at flirting.) 

And now, we present to you, a guide to flirting over Zoom. 

  1. Turn your camera on 

For the love of cheese-crackers, no one is going to hit up your name. Believe it or not, your name is not capable of seduction. Unless you make it the kissy emoji (not recommended for recorded lectures). 

  1. Wake up more than five minutes before your class 

Look, I’m gonna be honest. I do not wake up before my lectures. I do them in bed, with my eyes still glazed over from the remaining sleep deprivation. But see, even if at 9 am in your organic chemistry class you are dead inside, you in no way have to look dead outside. Maybe take a shower, or drink coffee, or perform an exorcism. Perhaps swipe 2 lines of 10 dollar concealer beneath your deadened eyes, and pretend you want to be there.

  1. Background 

If you’re going for eye-catching perhaps zoom from outside, or if you’re feeling especially fun choose a Zoom background. Personally, I like to zoom with the Arthur meme in the background, just to let all those future spouses in your class know that you have taste and culture, you are the full package. Though, if you’re feeling more of an artistic ~vibe~ think about including a collage of quirky posters to let that special someone know that you are ~unique~. 

  1. Make it clear that you’re not just there for the lecture 

Stare into space with a vapid look in your eyes so that any potential partners know that you’re bored and looking for entertainment. And that this is, as you furiously scribble notes from a PowerPoint you will never again see, the ideal time to slide in. 

  1. And finally, private message etiquette 

If you are a brave, brave soul and you yourself are doing the sliding, first off, as weaklings, we commend you and your incredible courage. You will be a future leader of our country. But when crafting your approach you must be aware of two things. First, you are not only trying to woo your chosen mate but also your professor as they read the chat transcript after class. Get that Bread, Get that Head, Get that A. Therefore, we recommend a class-based pickup line (post forthcoming?). Second, don’t ask for their snap. They made it in 6th grade, they do not want their first impression on you to be their “spirit animal” (I hate myself). Be kind, ask for their number. 

With all of this being said, we want to acknowledge that these are unprecedented and unpredictable times. So be unique. Be yourself. Don’t be afraid to shoot your shot, we are literally all touch-starved and desperate. 

internet entanglement via Bwog Image Archives