This very single Bwogger makes their case about why you should publicly (and anonymously) make your affection for them known.
We’ve all been chafing under the constraints of quarantine, especially if you’re single. Other than some randos from Tinder, I haven’t had someone be romantically interested in me in about eight months. Eight. Months. Unless you know how to ask someone out on a Zoom date without coming off as desperate, you’re probably going through something similar. (Sidebar: Please, if you know how to do this, reach out to me at firstname.lastname@example.org).
My solution to this problem seems obvious: Get someone to write a Columbia Confessions crush post about me. Not only would this provide me with a tiny sliver of the thrill that human touch normally does, but it will give me something to brag about to my friends and give me a status boost. Which is what we all really want here at Barnumbia. That’s where you come in.
Here are the top reasons that you should write a Confessions post about me:
1. I Need The Validation
Let’s get the most obvious out of the way first. Having a crush post written about me will do wonders for my self-worth. Should your sense of self-worth be contingent on external factors? Absolutely not. But it’s the pandemic, baby. We gotta do what we gotta do.
2. You Can Practice Using Nonbinary Pronouns
Maybe you’re having trouble incorporating the singular they into your personal lexicon. Why not write a post singing my praises from 50 to 3000 words? That’s a great way to get used to it. If you accidentally type “he” instead of “they,” you can just backspace and I’ll never know. This is a great opportunity for you to become more progressive.
3. I’m A Published Writer
I can feel you pulling away on this one but stay with me. This is not just unabashed braggadocio. As a published poet and journalist, were you to write a Confessions post about me, I might write an ode in your name or do a profile piece on you in a midsized news outlet. I also write fiction, so I might include a thinly coded version of you into my next story. Got creative ambitions of your own? I’m the founder and Editor-In-Chief of a new literary journal, called Stroma, which you can submit to here. As I’m one-quarter of the editorial team, you’d have a 25% better chance of getting published than everyone else.
4. It Will Definitely Help If You Decide to Shoot Your Shot
Have the desire to slide into my DMs? (Do people still say that?) Mentioning that you’re the one who wrote a great, super flattering post about me gives you a major advantage. Sure, you’ll have to submit the post and constantly check to see if it’s gone up before you message me, but all that effort will definitely be worth it. I mean, someone else who didn’t write the post could hit me up before you and tell me they wrote the post since the whole thing is anonymous, but you shouldn’t worry about that.
5. I’ve Got Really Good Hair
This isn’t so much a reason as a statement of fact.
Now that I’ve laid all of this out, you can surely see that this is the best course of action for everyone. It’s a win-win. There are no downsides.
Image via Bwog Archives