Senior Staff Writers Elena and Yuki (Yuhlena Christendams) challenge Westside to a fight.
We’d like to open with why did we ever convince ourselves that everybody loves Westside. We have been crossed multiple times by this institution.
- This grocery store is expensive. And for what? And don’t try to tell me that it isn’t overpriced because it is. You know who’s got it right though? Garden of Eden. Garden of Eden is a couple of blocks down and they offer student discounts. Because they understand that we’re a bunch of literal children running around MoWi and do not have the funds for expensive groceries! Consider this post also a love letter to Garden of Eden’s student discount.
- One time Elena bought rice pudding that was 5 days expired. FIVE FUCKING DAYS EXPIRED. One time our friend bought strawberries to curb a particular strawberry craving for $12 only to realize when she got home she realized they were moldy. Mold. On the strawberries. We tried to buy milk and all the milk that was offered was 3 days expired. Our friend said, and we quote “I hate this place”. We have walked past Westside at 3 AM when the trucks were unloading the new produce – alleged “new produce”. Where on the shelves might this newly brought in produce be. We’d like to know. Actually, we wouldn’t because we’d rather get 10% off at Garden of Eden. So it’s overpriced… and for what??? rotten produce???
- Westside does not sell hot pockets. Red fucking flag.
- The chaotic energy in Westside is truly unbelievable. Why are there so many people, like, everywhere? We don’t get it. There is such a fervent energy in there that we have not seen recreated at any other grocery institution. Why is there so much produce but also none at all (none that’s fresh anyway)? Why does Westside sell MEGA CUCUMBERS? There are also so many variants of soft cheese that are priced alarmingly low.
- If Timothee Chalamet were still at Columbia he surely would not shop at Westside, and that is a fact.
- One time our friend had to desperately relieve her bladder. Although westside graciously allowed her to use their restroom, she was also gone for way too long of a time for a normal pee. She said she had been led down into some basement which is terrifying. Imagine being held hostage in this basement among the Rats, Roaches, and Rotten produce. RRR should be an acronym used in a green recycling context… never to describe a grocery store basement.
- Why is the pasta on such a high ass shelf? Are you trying to make it hard for me to eat pasta? I don’t know what kind of media exposure and unattainable beauty standards have been indoctrinated into Westside shelf planners but we’re not here for it. Just because we’re 5’3″ at best does not mean that getting pasta has to be an embarrassing ordeal where Yuki has had a (probably) CC boy laugh at her as she stretched her arm up and got onto her tiptoes.
- I have been saving my first experience at Westside for last because it might just be the worst. You know those enticing fruit stands that Westside is so well known for? The ones that could possibly redeem all the listed grievances above? Those very fruit stands caused me, on my first week in the city, to buy a bag of oh so yummy looking peaches. Not to make a CMBYN reference, but that those peaches looked goooood. I returned to the dorm with my new peaches and waited a couple of days for them to ripen. But after a week of waiting, they were still not ripe. I decided to give in and eat the unripe peach, but as I bit into the fuzzy peace of stone, blackness waited under. The entire inside of the peach was black, slimy, and rotten. And the peach was still hard as a rock!! What kind of absolute sorcery is this, an unripe, yet still moldy peach. This moment should have been an early red flag, but alas, we kept going and discovered all the other mold that lies beneath the surface of Westside.
So, Dear Westside, we implore you to do better. Your employees are sweet, kind humans who never make fun of us when we run in at 2 AM to buy soft cheese, tonic water, and mega cucumbers, yet I feel like the moldy, old food that lines the shelves of Westside are mocking us, frowning upon our life choices. This has been our list of grievances to which we have publicly attached our names. Yuhlena is taking a damn stand against the Westside supremacy people seem to hold so near to their hearts. Cut it out. No one can convince us otherwise… not even the managing editor of Bwog.
WESTSIDE YOU SUCK via Bwarchives