This summer, dating looks a little different. Experience romance with this very prophetic interactive story. Bwog will show you what love is.

The weather is warming up, and seeing all of these twenty-something couples holding hands in Central Park has got you thinking. Wouldn’t it be nice to stop worrying about getting COVID-sick and start thinking about getting lovesick? Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned summer romance? You redownload Tinder without updating your pictures from freshman year, or maybe you replace all of them with anime-style self-portraits (fear not; that’s not where this choose-your-own-adventure is going.) Either way, you match with a few people, but they all have either “wanderer,” “photographer,” “show me your city,” or some combination of the three in their bios, and you forget why you swiped right in the first place. But right when you start to abandon all hope and check your email to start doing the assignments that were due two weeks ago, you see a beacon of light in your inbox. Dean James J. Valentini has invited you to dine with him. You?? You blush. He isn’t your usual type, but no one on Tinder has been this straightforward about asking you out, and it’s a free meal. You want to set the right vibe for the summer— should you stay young and wild, or try out a real date with a silver fox?

Do you…

keep swiping on Tinder?

dine with Deantini?

KEEP SWIPING ON TINDER

You swipe on swipin’ on, and of course, it’s dire. But, you’ve committed, and after weeding out the pseudo-scientists and devil’s advocates, two people have asked you out. Jamie, 21, has suggested that you accompany them to the dump because they have a lot of wooden crates to get rid of. Ether, 22, wants you to come with them to a liminal space and pierce their nose. They’ll do yours too if you want, of course. So much potential for love!

Do you…

go to the dump with Jamie?

go to a liminal space with Ether?

DINE WITH DEANTINI

You go, and you make it clear to Deantini what your intentions are. It would be an understatement to say that he reacts poorly. He reports you for inappropriate conduct, and after refusing to cooperate during the disciplinary hearing, you are expelled from Columbia University in the City of New York. Huh. There will be no riding off into the sunset with Deantini, or with a Columbia degree. You’re going to have to move back home while you figure things out. Your parents will be so disappointed in you. You almost can’t hear your phone ping over your loud, loud tears, but between heaving sobs, you get a cursed direct message. You open GroupMe, and it’s Prezbo. He heard about your expulsion, and, though he could never say it publicly, he thinks it’s an egregious violation of your free speech. You don’t get it, but you read on anyway. He’s offering you a position on his new charter ship, the S.S. Jean, to fish for cocktail shrimp. It starts next week, and you’ll be sailing all around the world, catching the biggest shrimp for ‘zbo’s daily Surf-n-Turf. You’re so grateful, and you have to push down intense feelings of… gratitude that emerge for Prezbo, but maybe you should just take some time at home to regroup and work on yourself?

Do you…

take the position on the S.S. Jean?

go back home?

DUMP WITH JAMIE

They pick you up in a Smart Car, and you wonder where all of those wooden crates are. Turns out, “wooden crates” was a euphemism for an entire Smart Car, which you realize when they drive right into a mountain of trash at 70 mph. You both go out in a blaze of glory, and in your final seconds, you wonder if this is love.

LIMINAL SPACE WITH ETHER

You should’ve known this, but the “liminal space” is just their bedroom with color-changing TikTok lights along the ceiling. They pull out a piercing gun and say something gross about a “blood bond,” and suddenly you aren’t so sure if they’re the one for you. You’ve got one hand on your phone in your pocket, ready to pretend that a friend just texted and stubbed his toe really badly. But it’s almost summer, and maybe you should just see where the evening goes…

Do you…

stick it out with Ether?

leave and go back home?

TAKE THE SHRIMP POSITION ON THE SS JEAN

The S.S. Jean reeks. This isn’t how you imagined spending your summer, and you have no idea how you’ll find love now. It’s just you, a quiet sailor whose name you don’t even know, and a bunch of shrimp in the middle of the ocean. Life feels empty, except for the putrid stench of shrimp under the midday sun, until one day, you hear the silent sailor scream. It’s the first noise you’ve heard from him, and you go out to the deck to find that the S.S. Jean is getting pillaged by a band of pirates! You try to hide, but before you know it, you’ve been found. You think it’s the end, but the pirate finds out that you went to Columbia (at least for a little while), and like a loyal alum, they spare you. They explain that they’ve been looking to marry a fellow lion for a while now. However, their pride is so big that, if you reject their pirate proposal, they will have to send you overboard.

Do you…

marry the pirate?

go overboard?

GO BACK HOME

Your parents are upset, but eventually, they stop waking you up every morning by shaking your sleeping body and screaming, “How could you!!!” You settle into the mundanity of your hometown life. You get a job at a real estate agency. You sell identical houses every day for years and you’re never stressed, but you’re never excited. You meet someone through a mutual friend, and they’re perfectly lovely. You get married. You buy one of those identical houses for yourself. You have two kids. You live a long, uneventful life, never leaving your hometown. But it’s not regression if you’re content, right?

STICK IT OUT WITH ETHER

The date spirals out of control quickly when Ether blindfolds you and says they’re taking you to the chapel. You assumed it would be St. Paul’s and you’d remove the blindfold and be on campus, so you’re a little shocked when you end up at a 24-hour walk-in wedding chapel. This might be a choose-your-own-adventure, but you get married regardless. You’re drunk and you have low self-esteem and you think that this might be your only chance. But how do you and Ether celebrate after? They suggest going skinny dipping in the Hudson River, but you’re thinking maybe just a nice late-night picnic at home. It’s your first argument as a married couple. It’s about time that you started calling the shots though…

Do you…

go skinny dipping in the Hudson?

have a picnic?

LEAVE AND GO BACK HOME

It’s time to accept defeat. You might be alone this summer, but it has to be better than a summer with Ether. As you’re walking back home, you run into a phantasmic figure. Is that a headless Roar-ee the Lion?? He approaches you, with the body of a beast but the head of any white guy in your CC section. He says that you shouldn’t be walking home alone in the dark and offers to escort you. You’re pretty drunk and you figure that it’ll be a good story to say that you were taken home by Roar-ee, so you accept his offer. The conversation is pretty bland but generally non offensive, which feels like a win to you tonight. You ask him for his number when you get to your building, and the next morning, you send him an innocent text. You wait days, weeks for his response, but nothing. You’ve been ghosted by a decapitated lion mascot. This is a death of sorts.

MARRY THE PIRATE

It’s honestly a beautiful ceremony. Your pirate fiancee sings you “Unchained Melody,” and, turns out, they’re classically trained. You accompany them on all of their pillages, sometimes even helping out and taking some booty yourself. You never would’ve been this happy at Goldman Sachs. One day, though, a ship that you ransack turns out to be transporting hordes of Tasmanian devils (vicious little creatures). Naturally, they attack, and you and your pirate spouse lose out, big time. It was an exciting life of piracy, but the [Tasmanian] devil overtook you both. It’s a beautiful funeral, and your ashes are sprinkled into the sea.

GO OVERBOARD

Splash!

GO SKINNY DIPPING IN THE HUDSON

Ether pulls some glow bracelets out of their pockets and snaps them onto you. They pull out their phone to film you for a TikTok, and only after you’ve gone under a few times, do you realize that they’re not coming in with you. It’s a slow and painful death by poisoning. The doctors tell you that you shouldn’t have gone swimming in the Hudson River. You know this. You did it for love, and now you’ll die for it, too. The river was toxic and maybe Ether was, too. The TikTok is posted posthumously to Ether’s account and it gets millions of views. You’re famous. They might be calling you dumb, but who cares? You’re dead. They play the TikTok at your funeral, which Ether does not attend.

HAVE A PICNIC

You go back to their liminal space, and it’s actually kind of nice. You talk about your life and school and how proud and scared you are until it’s almost sunrise. Ether is… a good listener? When you finally leave, you realize that you haven’t even looked up how to get a marriage annulled yet. Maybe you’ll hold off for a few days. This story is yours to finish…

so this is love via Bwog Archives