Senior Staffer, Social Team Member, and Actual Fountain Drinker Ruby shares all of her wisdom.

Name, School, Major, Hometown: Ruby, Columbia College, Anthropology and (honorarily) Evolutionary Biology of the Human Species, Chicago (not the suburbs).

Claim to fame: Daring to consume the sweet elixir of the Low fountains. Briefly derailing the 34th annual Alfred Joyce Kilmer Memorial Poetry Contest with a bag of strawberry licorice and my formidable hand-eye coordination. Photographing Oliver the bodega cat. Writing a senior thesis on baboon butts.

Where are you going? Puerto Rico, to study social behavior in monkeys.

What are 3 things you learned at Columbia and would like to share with the Class of 2025?

1. If a classmate busts out the word “eschatological” in first semester Lit Hum, you don’t have to listen to them. You can just turn your ears off until they’re done speaking. 

2. People say this a lot, but it should be repeated more: comparison is the thief of joy. I guess this is something I’m still learning, since I just spent 15 minutes reading other Senior Wisdoms and worrying about mine not being as well-written or funny or heartfelt. A friend of mine once said, “we do not compare ourselves to oligarchs,” and I’ve been repeating it to myself since. Columbia students are rich, connected, and have parents with doctorates. Doesn’t mean they’re not also mega-intelligent, but it means you had to work a lot harder to get here. Your accomplishments are deserved. 

3. Tell people why you admire them. It will make both of you feel nice and warm inside.

“Back in my day…” Diana served late-night smoothies. People were still wearing skinny jeans. TikTok wasn’t a thing yet, and no one knew what an e-girl was.

Favorite Columbia controversy? Any and all Barnard-Columbia discourse on Columbia Confessions.

What was your favorite class at Columbia? Origins of Human Society with Severin Fowles, UWriting with Olivia Ciacci, and Primate Sexuality with Alba Morales-Jimenez.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? There are only so many clever ways a Senior Wisdom author can express their love for cheese. I’ll just say I’m a vegetarian with a B12 deficiency, so one is more important to my existence than the other.

Whom would you like to thank? My parents, for always doing everything they can for me. Melinde and Delaney, for putting up with me for all these years. Isobel, for thinking my pre-NSOP introduction email was funnier than it was. Julian, for introducing me to good plantains. Dr. T, Megan, and Professor Shapiro, for being in my corner. Muffin and Dotty, for being sweeties.

One thing to do before graduating: Find and attend Bone Club.

Any regrets? Spending so much time worrying about doing things the “right” way. Any time I’ve been unkind because it’s what my friends were doing, or because I thought it would make me funnier or more likable. Most of all, buying a $10, 18 oz tub of cookie dough at Morton Williams the day my parents dropped me off freshman year, and then promptly eating it. There may not be a right way to go about life, but there are wrong ones.

The Most Cottagecore Bwogger via Ruby