Columbia may be #2 on US News, but fear not, we are still #1 where it counts.
Disappointed by Columbia’s US News #2 rank, we decided to console ourselves and affirm that, actually, Columbia is better than everyone else in most ways. Especially ways that actually count, not what some stupid news website says.
Columbia is #1 in…
- Devil’s advocates – “Theoretically, what if we considered…”
- Number of non-classics majors who have read the Iliad in the original Greek – why did you do that Jeremy? You study physics…
- D-list influencers – won’t name names, but we’re all thinking it
- Not like other girls – we are a big pant small shirt army
- Vampire weekend die-hards – DiD yOu kNoW, Campus is about Columbia’s campus???
- People forced into piano lessons as children – what level were you when your parents finally agreed to let you quit?
- Stairs – everywhere, but this one goes out to Hamilton in particular
- Fistfights over library seats – Columbia breeds MMA fighters in Butler
- Allegedly, dining hall food – lowkey dining hall food kinda hits, and all of you are just afraid to admit it
- Relatedly, dining hall line length – goddammit Ferris, you used to be my favorite
- Number of econ snakes per square mile – Principles is where they’re bred, and Big Finance is where they head
- Lukewarm vegan food – those white limp noodles in Ferris are truly one-of-a-kind
- Girlbosses in training – wealth hoarding: it’s cool when a woman does it, right?
- People who canvas for politicians – we’re all just doing our civic duty, but some of y’all take it to the next level
- Buildings where the first floor is five floors down – cwhat other school has a Campus Level and a Normie Level, huh?
- Getting and cancelling your New Yorker subscription – just for the tote
- Using academic language liberally and incorrectly in normal sentences – hegemony, antediluvian, liminal, panopticon and so on
- Amateur collage-making – and then forcing all of us to look at your gluey mess
- Selfies in reflective surfaces at museums – this is niche but you Know those two mirrors at the Met and MoMA that people always take pictures in
- Impostor syndrome – you’re getting that shiny fancy degree but at what cost
- Being “socially liberal but fiscally conservative” – just woke enough to justify a Goldman internship
- Tote bag consumption – it started with the free EcoReps bag…how did it end up like this
- Profs endorsing heroin use – not a thing I thought we needed to be first in, but I’ll take the win
- An ADA inaccessible campus – looking at the big-ass set of stairs that makes up campus
- Subscribing to Vogue – maybe you’ll go to NYFW someday
- Thrift flipping – it’s not “made for a 3-year-old”, it’s a cropped Y2K babydoll shirt, get with it
- Dating your roommate – this one goes out to the Barnard babes specifically
- ♔ symbol use – I didn’t even know this emoji existed before coming to this damn school
- Cardboard cutouts of school administrators – and number 1 in stealing said cutouts
- Boris Johnson lookalikes – I wonder who this could be about
- Tents – enough said
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